First Radiation apt. at Strauss

I didn't get zapped. I thought this is the pre-apt. for getting the tattoos and the mold done.

Wrong. It was just admin stuff. An intern examined me and filled out a lot of papers.

There was some confusion. First, she was upset that a bone scan hadn't been done. I was a little surprised as I thought (I could be wrong) that would have been done back when I was diagnosed to check for metastasis. Since I was clearly an early case and all my other checks were clear, I was wondering why I needed to do this at this late stage, since I'm getting CAT scan in a few months anyway.

I don't like to speak out too quickly so I let her call the boss. Also, I mentioned the genetic testing and she said it could be done there. When she got off the phone, it was yes to the genetic testing and no to the bone scan.

Whew!

I actually contacted another clinic who gave me a name so I'll have to write them back, thank them and tell them that Strauss will do it. They're doing it based on being Ashkenazi, having another young case in my family and the fact I have two daughters (who can't be tested until they're 18).

She also asked a lot of other questions, ranging from whether I had told my kids (she was glad I had) and what my background is. Of course, being American, when she asked about my "background" I had to make a distinction between my nationality and my actual ethnic make-up. When I got to the fourth country, she stopped me, laughing "Oh, a real Melting Pot!" I didn't dare tell her I wasn't done but let it go.

She then asked me if I wanted to participate in a study having to do with radiation effects on the thyroid. I said "yes" quickly because my sister's cancer started in the thyroid and other members of my family have had thyroid issues so thought it would be a good idea. Basically, I have to do one more apt. (I have to many, will I even notice?) with an endocrinologist and I have to have (yet-another) blood test before I start. I'm such a pin cushion, I really don't care at this point. It's a big plus for me because I'm now going to have my thyroid followed, for free! Can't be a bad thing.

Except it meant even more paperwork. I don't know how many volunteers they get but they were all excited. This very lovely lady appeared. They explained that I can exit the study at any time, without explanation. I told them that my son was participating in another study on his enamel so I kind of knew how it works. Some strange "quality of life" survey of just 5 vague questions... The survey is based out of Reims but they're using patients from all over France.

She took a lot of my papers. The one thing she did give me back was my MRI, which is the one thing, thanks to turning Adassa's radiology dept. upside down, I do already have...

I did see they had a copy of the tumor board. I looked and saw a bunch of names I didn't know. Dr. Gottenberg and a lot of his partners were there. A radiologist's name I didn't know and there was an oncologist. She explained that they were radiologist-oncologists. Regular oncologists mainly deal with chemo patients, so I won't be seeing one at all.

I also saw the list of who did my surgery. I noted the name of the anesthesiologist. "Il etait beau!" I said half jokingly. My anesthesiologist was pretty hot. I joked that he picked the wrong speciality and that I was tempted to stay awake, just to look at him. We were all laughing. Anesthesiology really is suited more for those without looks or personality and it was clear he had plenty of both!

During the exam, she wasn't happy with the healing of the scar where the lymph nodes were removed. Probably because vain-me decided to wear a bra a couple of days ago. I was so determined to be "normal" again but it didn't last long. I'm back into the boob-smunching sports bra until it heals. She wants me to go back to Dr. Gottenberg and I made an apt. for next week, when I got home.  She said it will probably delay my treatment until January (!!!) That had me in a panic! I've put my LIFE on hold lady, to start this right away! (then of course, I'm thinking last-minute deals...)

After all this, the survey lady walked me down to the actual therapeutic-radiology dept. The nurse said we can probably start the 16th. That was a relief but I'm not holding my breath. She was also pretty positive for getting me 8:30am apt.s, which would be really nice and out of the way of the kids' school. Of course, she pointed out the school break but that's 2 1/2 weeks, vs. the five weeks of radiation.

That was another little panic. I thought I was supposed to have six weeks of therapy. Write that down as a question for Dr. Gottenberg!

There's a lot of the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing here. I wish some of these stories were kept straight! I'll get to the bottom of this, when I start and for how long... but I wish they were all singing the same tune. I could have made some Xmas plans!!

I have already spent three seconds on researching various creams for radiation. Turns out, they want me to use nothing. I then asked, if it doesn't look and/or feel good, then what? Totally get the not-wearing-any-cream to apt.s but what if the area gives me trouble? They will tell me what to get. Okay, I'm in France! I still have some pure Aloe lotion somewhere in the closet... (what all the BC ladies on the internet rave about).

My apt. was for 9:30 and I ended up spending the entire morning there... I'm having trouble with my right leg. It's probably a repetitive thing from the car, similar to the problems I still kind of have with my knee. That's probably what got her going about the bone scan. The stupid leg is more painful than the scars.

The physical therapy question was also kind of left in limbo. Which PT should I go to and who can recommend one? My gynecologist didn't know. They sent me back to Dr. Gottenberg. They didn't know but they asked him and they gave me the two names he recommended. Of course, he could have told me that at the apt. but oh well. I picked the woman who is near the kids' school over the man. Who cares? I got an apt. for next Friday and we'll see from there. I was warned on a private FB BC group page that I may not be able to continue. My report says only two lymph nodes were removed so it's doubtful that I'll suffer any lymphoedema problems, or "fat arm" syndrome, as it's called in French. That's more for women who had the more extreme mastectomies but Dr. Gottenberg said it's "preventitive". I figure it won't hurt and I have so many apt.'s anyway.

I am very pleased with what it looks like. After the surgery, it was all bruised and twisted around. I wasn't upset. I figured being pointed in the wrong direction on the left was a small price to pay for being cancer-free and at almost 50 years old, one can only be so vain.

But no. It's settled down and now, the headlights are focused straight ahead. Yeah! Also, I can't tell any missing "mass" that Dr. N. warned me might happen. So far, it hasn't happened and I'm surprised as two tumors were removed. I might still find out that it's not entirely true. I might still be seeing swelling that's covering it up. A tip I got on the net was to later lean over. But really, anything that needs leaning over to check, isn't worth the worry.

Also, the scar is very well placed. The lymph node scar will be visible if one really looks at my armpit, which few should be doing. The big 4 inch scar runs along the side, and completely under any swimsuit or bra, unless I lived in Brazil, which I don't (and not any suits I should be wearing at my age anyway!)

On Thanksgiving, I put a photo of my lab report with the statement "What I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving" on Facebook. Ironic as I barely understand it but it was true. It was actually Thanksgivingkah on Thursday, the only time that the two holidays will collide. We ate just escalope of turkey and then lit candles. Last night, we went to services were Davina barely sang. She spent more time yakking with her friend Sarah. Both looked like very naughty girls! 

A Real Bra!!!

Thrill of my life, for the first time in 2 weeks, I'm wearing my own bra!!

I had it on when I arrived at Adassa. I went down to Radiology to get the wires inserted and the ladies there told me that they were running late. I should go back and put on something more comfortable so I wore a tank top with a zip fleece jacket on top. Last time I wore the bra.

I put in on this morning instead of the squish-boobs sports bra I've been wearing. My incision is okay now.

But this is short-lived because once the radiation starts, I've been warned that it'll have to go again. I'm supposed to wear something cotton. Yeah right. Where am I supposed to find a cotton bra here??

I found a website selling gear for BC patients. Wish I had seen that earlier! Doubt they ship to France but I'm sure someone will oblige if I need to go that route.

I'm kind of hesitant to buy anything since I don't know how bad it'll be.

I talked to one of the gymnastics moms who isn't a nurse but works as an aide at the hospital (trained position here). She told me that it's not like I can take any cab. It has to be some sort of special ambulance/taxi service and I'll actually pay with my "Carte Vitale", issued to those on the French medical system. I'm sure I'll get more precise instructions on Friday.

I went by Radiology at Adassa and picked up my clichés without incident. I mumbled a few apologies along the way. Managed to dive out of there before anyone arrived. It's good now because I can send Francis the whole file of his own, without giving up mine. 

MIA "clichés"

First of all, the news. My sister is BRCA 1 & 2 negative!!!

This is very good news because mainly, it means I'm probably also negative. I did contact a lab here in Strasbourg and they gave me the name of their geneticist. Yeah! But I'm more happy for my sister because a BRCA gene can mean some hard Angela Jolie-type decisions to make. Women with the gene have to be more vigorously monitored and/or have various female parts removed, and are usually given a choice as to how they want to proceed.

BRCA is associated with some of the more aggressive forms of BC and mine's pretty ordinary.  But what's looming is that there's the possibility of other genes being discovered in the future. BRCA's are only a tiny percentage of BC but I have to consider the fact that my daughters, even if I too, am negative for this, could find that we have yet-another gene in our DNA somewhere. Maybe I didn't pass it on, if I have one?

I still will do the test, more for the fact I do have two daughters who are probably going to have to be checked like I have been, gene found or not.

So far, I don't have my pathology report. It should arrive today with the Rx for Physical Therapy. So far, the only cases of lymphedema are in more serious BC patients. I haven't heard of any lumpectomy patients getting it but I might be mistaken. Dr. G wants it as a precaution.

They didn't have my other papers and Dr. G's office said that Radiology at Adassa would have it. When I called, she said she had them and gave me the choice between picking them up or sending them. I'm in the neighborhood so I said I'd come by.

I was standing at the counter when she handed me two pieces of paper. Um, where are the images? You don't have them. No, I said so she started calling. She thought maybe they were sent to my gynecologist. No, they didn't have them. Maybe Dr. S. who did the MRI? I told them that he took them that day and that I approved... They had to call him at the Mammography place in Schiltingheim. No. Ugh.

The young one who accused him of being "mean" says "You know, you should check again. Sometimes they slide them in with all the other papers so it isn't obvious". Yes, that's what I'll do! I'll go home and look again. I felt so badly for the mess I'd made. I was kind of glad for an "out". "Did you all want to do anything else with your afternoon??" Admittedly, there were a lot fewer patients with Dr. S. over at Schiltingheim.

Now I've managed to turn their office upside down, looking for my "clichés", as they call them. When who comes sweeping in, but Dr. N. Ugh. I was trying to not be obvious that I was going to take these to get a second opinion. I'm not trying to hide anything but when he walks in and sees them all running around like little chickens without heads... He shakes my hand and picks up the phone... and arranges to get a copy of the CD.

I babbered some sort of apology and assured them that I'd look at home. "Ça n'est pas grave!" he insisted (no big deal). Just come back tomorrow and it'll be at the desk.

As soon as I walked in the door, well, after dropping Davina off at gymnastics, I took ALL my papers and dumped them on the kitchen table. I went through each one. Well, guess what?!? I found them but they were really mixed up. I found the mammograph with the wires (which makes for one funny-looking boob!) and the other CD. Ugh! I feel like such an idiot.

Now, I'm going to have to go back there to pick up the CD. I'll make profuse apologies and hope their Catholic upbringings and lessons in forgiveness serve them well. I'll also pray that Dr. N. doesn't walk in! (should I go on Thursday morning when I know he's at Schiltingheim??)  

Dreary but Zen Weekend

Cold and wet here, so depressing but I'm so much more zen than I have been in awhile. I slept over nine hours last night. I do a fake left-side sleep by crunching blankets under my left side. I can't actually lie on my left yet, even with the new bra/tank top thing. It was the first night, since I got my results and I didn't have to wake up early in the morning!

It still hurts but I only take pain killers at night, or once in awhile during the day if I did something stupid to hurt my left side. Glad though that it is all on the left so I only have one area to baby.

Not doing much except stuff around the house. Basically waiting till Friday when I go see the radiologist-oncologist (or is it an oncologist-radiologist??) Bet he won't even be an oncologist! Don't cancer patients at least see an oncologist at least once? He's the head of the therapeutic radiology dept. at Strauss.

I went to services last night but didn't stay for dinner. There's something peaceful about going through those familiar words, although, I don't always remember what it all means. I've come a long way with my Hebrew since I took that class. Even when I don't know the words, they start to jump up at me and I'm recognizing them. With Jonas, I never get lost. He goes nice and slowly. He kept his sermon short, thank goodness.

I got to tell everyone the good news.

One of the gymnastics mothers said how brave I was. Hahahahahahaha...! You didn't see me two weeks ago, when I was completely undone about the second tumor? Brave, me? Huh??

Dr. G wrote me back and his secretary called. He's sending me the Rx for the PT and a copy of the pathology. I'm supposed to get the MRI from somewhere. I wonder if it's Radiology at Adassa. She said "the service" but that was unclear. Maybe Strauss? I'll start with Adassa.

Of course he puts, in English, "don't worry".

Arrrrrrgh!

I'M NOT WORRIED. I JUST WANT INFORMATION.

I even wrote a little blurb about how I was ever so confident in his care, blah, blah... I do feel like I was in good hands, every step of the way. I'm not questioning them. I just want to know the facts!

Sigh. I'm not out to change this guy. I'm the foreigner who does things differently. I have to be diplomatic but when it comes to my health, I want to know. Some doctors are actually fine with it, like Dr. N. (although, he might just like the mechanics of it all and keen to show off to those who are legitimately interested). This "informed patient" stuff is not really what they're used to.

It's hard for me because he has a lovely, comforting manner. It's just I gotta know.

Hope the pathology report says how big those tumors were and how many lymph nodes he took. If not, I'll bug him again!

One Month after Diagnosis & Visit to the GP

I found exactly a month ago today. It seems fast in a way but in another way, it took ages. So much in so little time. It could have been even faster...

I finally stopped by the GP's, and got my flu shot.

She looked at my stitches and declared that I took off the bandages too early. It was only last night. The tape part bugged me. She put another one on and told me not to shower there.

Good one. How the heck am I supposed to do that??

She's so happy about my results.

I also emailed Dr. G again. He seems better about email than questioning him personally. The GP said it's probably because he looks at his emails when he has time, isn't in a hurry and can answer them when he wants.

I'm curious how and when to do the Physical Therapy. Am I supposed to do that or does he at least have a name??

Part of it might be because I'm getting instructions when I'm distracted at his office. I'm in so much of a hurry to get it all in.

This is why they say to write it all down!!! Like I took this advice?? I do write it down but inevitably, I forget to bring the list!

I bought Fu Fish to celebrate. They were festive and even though Chinese New Year's is still awhile off, they brightened up the kitchen and remind me how lucky I am. The Chinese character for good luck is in four places on them.

Horrible, grey day here. But I'm happy and confident. At least for now, no more anxieties about waiting on test results. 

Tumor Board Day

I'm feeling very reflective and zen today. I know that the Tumor Board is having their monthly meeting at Adassa this afternoon. Dr. G and Dr. Nguyen are there, as is an oncologist, whom I don't need to see now. I figure they'll probably spend all of 5 minutes on me, since the steps to proceed are obvious. I'm sure.

Will someone mention that I've lived under this shadow for 30 years? And in a few short weeks, it was history??

It all so doesn't matter now. For them, it's time to move on to the next patient's battle, an investment of  time and energy into a fight I never had to face, but many out there do.  

Told Dr. N. myself the results!

I tried to call Dr. N. with the good news but he wasn't there. They left him a message. I didn't want him to find out from a piece of paper or at the Tumor Board tomorrow.

I was so happy last night that I scampered out of the Dr. G's office, without *paying*. Oops. So I get a little call this morning...

I dropped by, before getting the older two at school, and paid the bill. I then looked at the time and realized that I had about 20 minutes. I was next door to Adassa and the Radiology Department so I stopped by. Don't worry about the message, I told the staff, I just wanted to give him the good news myself but you can tell him for me...

Then, of course, he walked in. He was almost defensive. "Bonjour. Got your message. I haven't had time... Is there something wrong?" Um no. The results, no, he didn't know and I told him. Big smile. "So it was cancer too! So good thing I hooked both of them!" Um, right.

Then I went to thank him when one of his staff interrupted "Noooo! Don't do THAT! If you do, he'll become an egotistical maniac and be mean to us *all afternoon*!!"

"Since when have I been "mean" to YOU??" he said through gritted teeth to the one behind the computer. I was having trouble visualizing him being mean to anyone really and quite frankly, when going to thank someone for perhaps saving one's life, perhaps a bit of egomania is in order??

I had obviously chosen the wrong audience for my Hallmark Moment. Still, he dodged from behind the desk to run over and shake my hand.

See you in a few months for the CAT scan!

The Results!

He didn't even wait to sit down or close the door.

"The results are good. I just got them now. Lymph nodes clear. Margins clear..."

I started to tear up.

I wasn't even there for the results. I was afraid that my incision was infected and I called him the day before. I tried to see my GP but she wasn't there so Daniel suggested calling him.

"I can see you at 5pm tomorrow".  That was a little late but I couldn't reach the GP the next day either... and I think I was hoping he'd know by then...

Bad timing as far as picking up the kids but Daniel was quickly recruited to the task.

I was non-functional all day, as my previous post attests.

I walked in and told them that I probably didn't have an appointment but that he had instructed me to come, to take a look. Odd, they said. He's operating today. She called the OR and no one answered.  She tried somewhere else and was able to leave a message that I was there. Just take a place, as they put it in French...

I waited about 45 minutes and then heard his familiar voice. He was still in his scrubs. I had probably been to the bathroom 3 times since I arrived and had to go again... Then I sat in his uncomfortable chair for quite awhile before he came in.

I forgot the ask about the size, since there was conflicting information. The only "bad" news was that the second thing was indeed, the same cancer. It's called a "bifocal tumor" that grows in two places at once. It made me feel even more like I had slipped by danger. It's out and the margins were clean. No second surgery for me and that means that the cancer had not progressed beyond that area.

I'm in theory, cancer-free since the surgery.

Now, I go straight to radiation, no chemo necessary. He made me pick between Sainte Anne and the Paul Strauss Cancer Center and I went with Strauss. He was clear that there was no difference medically but Sainte Anne was more "human". Fine, but it's also a lot further away from home. No, I felt better in an actual cancer center next to the Civil Hospital (where I was hospitalized in 2009). I have to go there every day so I might as well make it as easy as possible.

He looked at my wound and changed the dressings. He even did an ultrasound with this very tiny machine in his office, to make sure there was no trapped liquid. There wasn't any. I hadn't had a drain, post-op, which is often the case with lumpectomy. The threads are dissolvable so no need to have them removed. I'll need physical therapy, if only to prevent any problems with that arm.

I did ask for a second opinion on the lab work. He looked at me in shock so I had to say it. "Don't tell me no one else asks this??"

"No one asks this," he confirmed "No one at all!"

Oh boy. This might be a tough one. Then he starts explaining that three pathologists, he's worked with for a long time, did it and he trusts them immensely.

"You are going to drive yourself crazy with all this."

"No I'm not. You remember how I was during the pregnancy. I need to know. I do better when I know what's going on."

I didn't need a battle that evening. I was just a little overwhelmed with it all and eager to get on the phone and let everyone know...

I need a pre-radiation appointment but he's seeing me before then.

I called Daniel, my mother, sister, in that order and then came home and put it on Facebook. I also sent a text to a nurse friend here. Now, I'm out to get the word out.

I'm now officially a poster-child (adult?) for early detection. This is a whole different experience than it would have been two years from now. I'm so slobbingly grateful, I don't know where to start!!!!   

Another Go Away World Day

I just can't function today. Daniel has just left to pick up the kids. He took them too. I haven't been out of the house.

I'm going to see Dr. G at 5pm. I tried to reach the GP but she wasn't there. I gave up.

It hurts and I don't feel well. No temperature but it might be psychological. I do that. I'm just so upset about hearing the results. I keep telling myself, worst case, I get chemo. THAT'S ALL. Really. I'm stupid. I'm a baby. I'm just not handling it very well...

I just read another BC blog. She has stuff going on on both sides and it's 3.8cm. She's already been told she's headed for chemo. Why am I being like this? Chemo is not really for sure for me in the first place! Mine's only on one side. I still have both boobs (unlikely she'll be so lucky). I am lucky. Why don't I feel like that right now?

How am I going to drive like this?

I did get some stuff done. I had a plate of pasta with olive oil for lunch. Not too much oil. Salt. That's all I wanted, all I could eat.

This is the last step for now. Whatever next, is treatment. The surgery is behind me, as are most of the tests. There will be more but for now, I just want to hide from it all...

Is This Normal??

My bruise is turning red and creeping up. Ugly, ugly, ugly...

I went to the GP's office and she was closed. Unfortunately, she doesn't work till tomorrow afternoon and it's by apointment only. Great. What if she's booked? Ugh. I even brought my flu vaccine (in France, you have to get your vaccines yourself at the pharmacy, I can explain more...)

I could call Medecins SOS. Anyone who has seen Micheal Moore's Sicko will know what that is. House calls! They still do them here, but it's a service and you get whatever doctor. I did it once with my H1N1 adventure in '09. But I was not into that idea. Explain it all again to yet-another medical person...

So I called Dr. Gottenburg. I told the secretary that I tried going to the GP. He was "in consultation". Fine. So I get to play this game, just like with all the other doctors that's like a lottery. You keep calling and hope to catch them not "in consultation". Kind of like one of those boardwalk games...

Second time lucky. I'm outside the school, calling from the car with girlfriends walking by and wanting to talk and having to lip "It's the doctor", like it's so easy to lip read foreign lips...

Okay, I start off by saying "This is my first surgery and I don't know what to expect!" He jumps in with "...and I hope it's your last". Well, what if I want a tummy tuck?? No, I kept myself from saying that OR "What if you didn't get the margins and I'm going back in in two weeks".

I resisted both!

I then described the mounting red bruise. "I don't like that" he said. I don't like when doctors say that, I thought. Fever. Did you take your temperature? No. I felt yukky but not feverish. Fever is key? Yes, basically, if my temperature is normal, I'm okay. He could see me 5pm tomorrow. Nice clash with Talia's gymnastics... No, I'll try to see my GP. I'll make the attempt. I'll come if I can't, how's that?

I did say that I know that post op pain is normal and I'm not terribly suffering but he didn't insert a drain and I'm not sure if I'm "evaluating" my pain right. I told him that I know he was doing pas mal des choses in there (basically, enough digging around getting two tumors and the lymph nodes out). He chuckled.

I just can't sleep on my left side. I can deal with the pain as long as I'm not afraid that there is something more seriously wrong. But I'll use any fever as a gage, especially since I'm coming to see him Wednesday morning anyway.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I actually dug out the sports bra I had worn during the day and put it on. It really helped! Hope it's not squishing me too much.

All day at Talia's Gymnastics competition

I did okay.

Had to get up at 5 in the morning. I couldn't drive so we had to go with another family, who had to be there earlier than we did.

Oh well. It was nice to have company at least!

Talia came in 5th of 12th. Won't be showing off any photos because BLOGGER WON'T LET ME.

End of rant.

I was talking to the club photographer, who loves taking pics of my pretty daughter. We were chatting about other things besides CANCER. Kind of nice but nooooo, various parents came up to me.

"How did the operation go?"

"How do you feel?"

"Up and about, already??"

So I had to fess up. I said, as casually as possible "I was operated on Wednesday for Breast Cancer..."

"You too?!? My wife had that seven years ago..."

And off we went in Medicalese. They had to go back and get the clean margins. She did have to do chemo, etc.

She's FINE now!!!

So funny how we bonded. We got into other subjects (remember, I was there all day so I had plenty of time to chat with everyone, including the photographer). But it got a lot more animated. He ended up taking my email and promising me to send the originals so I could blow them up...

Hated to tell him that I've been stealing his photos off the net for years!

It's like this Secret Society of Breast Cancer Warriors, Survivors and Family Members out there! It's like the disease that's invaded us silently for years...

I just need to get to Wednesday to hear my fate!!!

Now that the Dreaded Operation is over, which turned out not to be something to dread at all (except for that darned Morphine!!) I can kind of reflect on it all. It's hard to express but I almost feel like it's my battle to fight. I don't want it to take anything away from me. I don't want it to threaten anything that's close to me, that I cherish.

It's hard to explain. Maybe it's because I found a comfortable place, psychologically and then got knocked down before. I don't even want to write for fear I'll go back later and read it and think "pathetic chump".

I'm going over everything I could hear Wednesday.

-Whether the margins were clear (if they weren't, they have to go back in)
-Whether the lymph nodes are clear. It's more about the very idea that the cancer has started to spread than any dread of chemo, really!
-What the heck was in that second "tumor"?!?
-This one is remote because the first tumor was small but if the biopsy missed nastier cancer cells and that it's more aggressive than the biopsy showed. The reason this is not likely is because of the small size of the tumor.

Glad those blobs are out of me. It hurts on my side but it reminds me that they're gone.

Yesterday, I was in pain and then bought a few, cheap sports bras from Decathalon (French chain sport store). Feels sooooo much better. So stupid something so basic relieved that pain! It's all black and blue now, even before the bra. I'll go to the GP tomorrow morning...

First night home

Ouch! All I can say is "ouch!".

It hurts. I can't sleep on my left side. No sympathy from Ronnie, who rambled on about how I couldn't "snore in his direction".

It's like someone took an axe and chopped me on the side. It doesn't even feel like "breast" surgery. It feels more like I had an accident. My boobs are fine. My side is all black and blue.

The doctor finally came in the afternoon. He proclaimed that I would be just as well at home than there. He wants to see me Wednesday for the results.

What time? Do I have to make an appointment?

10:52. Very funny.

When do you open. 8. I'm here. I drop off the kids at school and I'll be there...

Eek! But there's nothing to do now but wait.

Mother made it sound like this is unusual, to have to wait but I've asked and it turns out that a week is normal for what it takes. The stories we've heard of patients getting results when they woke up were very specific. They had the lab do a fast freeze test of some sort. I'm happy to not have a false result and just wait till the two tumors are all chopped up and analyzed.

He was very poker faced about whether I'd need chemo or not. I guess he's seen too many exceptions to the "rules" on these tumors. The thinking is little tumors=no lymph node involvement.

I have a nurse assigned to me and all these other privileges being an Official French Cancer Patient. I don't have to drive myself to my treatments. I get a taxi. This sounds ultra-plush but the reality is that the Christmas market is starting soon and traffic will be a nightmare, let alone parking...

I got a list of services that I can use. The nurse explained quickly how it would work. Chemo would mean a port by the end of the week and I could start almost immediately. It would start out once every three weeks, and work up. I could choose from Sainte Anne in Robersau or Orangerie. The latter might be the breast clinic. If I go straight to radiation (yeah!) I can go to Straus (the cancer center) or Sainte Anne. I've been to all of these, thanks to my mother-in-law's medical crises years ago.

Radiation can't start for 2-3 weeks, until this mess heals up!

There are some other possibilities. A friend was sent to get "clean margins". This was a shorter, second surgery. If they don't like the margins, this could happen. Just mentioning it!

Then there is the whole "what is the second tumor" question. There could be, in theory, a nasty surprise.

If this pain isn't better, I'm going to the GP on Monday. I'll take my flu shot (which you have to buy yourself here in France). It'll be a good excuse to discuss it with her again, and to get a better pain drug that doesn't involve aspirin products.

Talia got out yesterday at 4pm, which was convenient as she had just enough time to pick up her sister and they both walked over to Adassa. Then, Ronnie came home with Daniel. We had promised whether I was in or out of the hospital, he could come home to his own bed.

He got 5 Euros tip for carrying a suitcase to the room. His first "earned" money!

The internship sounds like it's gone really well. He hated making the beds and cleaning the rooms but I assured him that a career in hotels would not involve that. They just wanted to show him how it works.

Today's his last day. He looked so handsome in his black pants and white shirt leaving! 

Read previous post first

cont.

I was happily wheeled back to my new room. I saw Daniel and the girls in the hallway. Unfortunately, I was too cranky and in pain to enjoy seeing them again. It was dark by now.

The nurse and the girls put my stuff away quickly. They said good night and left with Daniel.

The problem was that I was okay in bed but when I moved, I started to vomit, well, dry heaves since I hadn't eaten.

I was under instructions to not use the bathroom without calling a nurse. It's all kind of a blur now anyway. I was able to sit up, no problem, walk to the bathroom, no problem but the minute I tried to brush my teeth or do really anything, the dry heaves came back.

At 3am, I was up. I called my mother and sister (separately) in California and looked at Facebook and my messages on my cell phone. I was basically jetlagged, without the fun of having gone somewhere.

Both Dr. Gottenberg and my gynecologist stopped by early in the morning. Of course, my gynecologist scolded me for the small package of biscuits I had on the table. "Calorique!" She's always nagging me about my weight. "They're diet biscuits". Still bad. "I'm hypoglycemic." She wasn't impressed.

Everyone wanted to see the bandages.

I got up late to shower and the nausea was gone. I was able to move around finally.

I got some visitors in the evening, including Daniel's cousin who brought Ronnie over to see me. Sorry I couldn't share in his internship experience this week.

Reporting from Adassa...

Still in the hospital. Not sure if I'm leaving today or tomorrow.

I had a lot of visitors yesterday and Daniel brought me the computer. I don't do well without a keyboard!

I did get my wish to check in Wednesday morning since I wasn't scheduled till 3pm. I had the 10:30 am "harpooning" with Dr. N. though. I debated driving the kids, coming back and then making my way over but I was too much in a state that morning to drive.

I woke up early, too nervous to really sleep and just got everything ready to go. I then woke up the girls and got them out. Ronnie was at the cousins' in Barr doing his internship.

I put my bag in the car and we had to exchange cars since I was behind him in the garage (hate having a garage where one car blocks the other but two-car garages are so rare in France, I shouldn't complain!)

Of course, there was a big jam on the way and Talia was late to school. Davina has an extra 10 minutes so she's never late. It was hard saying goodbye but Talia was miffed and stomped off.

As soon as I arrived, I was in tears. I've never been so nervous in my life about anything. Having my first operation is one thing but also, the whole emotional rollercoaster of getting both tumors out, having that harpooning done and getting the results... Turns out, I won't get the results till next week anyway so that wasn't an issue. But they promised to give me something to calm me down after the markers were put in place and after the shower, not before because I had to cooperate and be alert (if a little teary).

I did all the admission stuff. She took all my paperwork and promised to return it when I left. They were very nice and apologetic about the room not being ready.

The room wasn't ready so they put me in another one. The program was that I was to go down, get the markers put in place and then head upstairs, shower for the surgery and then away we'd go! When I left for radiology, Daniel said goodbye, planning to come back before the surgery. He had to run to his office and he got something to eat near the hospital afterwards.

Dr. N. was running late. I saw him in the doorway. "Did you get the MRI results?" I asked him immediately.

"Yes. I have them here. I'm up to date on everything. Don't worry!!" but then, he told the technician that since I was an in-patient, it was useless to have me wait there. Go back to your room, she told me and come back in half an hour.

It was nice that they didn't make me wait out in the waiting room. There was direct access to radiology from the rooms. She also told me to get rid of the bra and jacket and put something more comfortable on top, when I came down again.

I came back and they told me that they had three patients yet to go, but one was just getting her results. He came by to apologize but I told him, if I'm the only in-patient, he had to prioritize the others, since they could go home. He proclaimed that no surgery could take place without his markers anyway. I also couldn't eat lunch, so that wasn't a factor anyway. Nothing to do for 3 hours until surgery anyway!

Finally, when I got in the room, it was good to talk to him again. My worry was that since the second tumor was only picked up on the MRI, could he find it on the ultrasound? Dr. G. said that if he knew where it was from the MRI, Dr. N. wouldn't have a problem. He found it in three second flat. "It's not much" he said very non-committedly. From my uneducated eye, it didn't look at all like the first one but I didn't want to discuss it, since it was coming out anyway.

The marking would be similar to the biopsy but he warned, it would take longer. Same procedure, almost. He did the local anesthesia and he had to press down at certain points to get the wires in. I couldn't see from my angle. He told me when he got the first one in and then did the second. It wasn't uncomfortable at all. The nurses had warned me earlier that it could be.

Done! Now, sit up. I hadn't eaten since 6am and it was now noon. I was all emotional and I did feel a little woozy. He kept asking me if I was okay. I was fine, I assured him. No, look at me! I did and he then said "Time for the mammogram!'

Ugh! A mammogram? Now?? With these wires sticking out of me. Careful, careful with the wires... Felt weird, although it didn't hurt.

Then, I had to stand up, with the famous wires sticking out and try to put pierced boob between sheets of glass. "Are you okay? Are you sure? Look at me!!!" He even grabbed my arm.  I looked at him but he wasn't impressed. "Sit down here". Chair was conveniently located right behind me. Then he wanted to do another image and his very nice assistant was getting snippy about it. "You didn't tell me that! So which one..." and so on. They were really late, the office was closed and they had this dizzy, emotional patient patient sitting there...

He couldn't put a bandage on until he knew for sure that the wires were in place. He was happy with his work. He called the nurses station to send someone. He made it sound all formal "Could someone come down to accompany Madame D. to her room?" They didn't want me going up by myself. She arrived and I asked about the image. "Do you want to see it?" he said eagerly. The nurse looked annoyed but I stepped over to admire his work. They did look like whale harpoons...

Finally, he could bandage it up. He didn't cut the wires but they were covered well with the bandage so I could take a shower.

So off I went for my new adventure. Daniel had called me while I was still in radiology but couldn't get in because it was locked from the inside. He had to go to the room.

Earlier, during admissions, I had asked about my hair. They make you take a shower with the disinfectant junk and it's bright red so I wasn't keen to put it in my hair. I braided it up in two, "Heidi style" as I like to call it, to show them how well I'd have it out of the way. I explained that getting it wet again would mean having to dry it and re-braid it again. Compromise? Perhaps they could swipe it with another anti-bacterial liquid? No, the hair was fine. I had to wear a cap anyway. They asked if I had washed it that morning and I said yes. I was good to go.

That made the shower much easier! I was so nervous. The stuff was not horrible but not easy to wash with and I took my time. As I was drying off, with the disposable towel, the nurse delivered a small pill and instructed me to take it with as little water as possible.

It did do the trick. I wasn't as nervous but I was still alert. I even started to fall asleep.

Because I wasn't in my assigned room, the aid had trouble finding me. So at about 2:20, he arrived with a wheelchair.

Whew! I thought it would be a guerney.

Daniel said goodbye and blew a kiss in the elevator and down I went to the OR.

They then put me on a guerney and covered me with a heavy blanket, then left me in the hallway. I saw people being wheeled in and out, which would have freaked me but didn't because I had taken my little pill. The anesthetist and the anesthetic nurse came by and introduced themselves. My IV was put in place. Then I saw a masked, familiar  face. I thanked Dr. G for calling me Sunday again. I popped off the mask so I could see him smile. See you-right away!

They wheeled me in and transferred me over on to the table. My arm was placed to the side on a special stand. They explained that was so he could have access to the area. I didn't like it because it looked like those lethal injection tables but I guess only an American would think that! I didn't say anything...

The nurse said I didn't have to have the mask. It smelled funny. No, not necessary. I was shivering. She had some sort of tube with hot air she blew under the blanket. "Is this typical? To tremble like this?" I asked. "No!" they laughed. It didn't matter. Think of somewhere nice... and then I was out...

Next thing I knew, just like everyone said, I was in the recovery room. I felt fine but ouch! Pain!! They quickly added something to my IV. It was morphine, 20mg and I was not going to have a fun reaction to it...

I survived!

I'm writing this in the hospital on an "unsupported navigator", or in other words, my iPhone. I'm not on a real keyboard either, so I will keep it brief .

The harpooning went well. I'll put the details but it was not uncomfortable at all, as I had been warned. It was a little long but at least I was kept occupied and Dr. Nguyen was happy to explain it all.

I then did the shower and got an exception to the hair (yeah). There was a slight delay for the OR. Dr. G. said hi on the hallway.

No real problems with the anesthesia but I was in pain. 20mg of morphine helped but made me very nauseas. In bed, I'm fine but any movement sent me into dry heaves. Now, I'm on Tylenol/Paracedamol and ice, which is working fine...

Again, if you're on Facebook, you can view my posts. Both last names work and you don't have to be friends with me.

Probably the last pre-surgical post!

Sooooo nervous about tomorrow.

Slept badly last night...

I had to go to the Nuclear Medicine Dept. at the cancer center. Very strange place. Seeing those nuclear signs wasn't comforting. They also had complicated door opening and closing systems. A lot of people running in and out of closed doors. It looked cold and again, very 60's. I was ready to "duck and cover"!

Once inside though, they were very nice.

Procedure today was strange but not difficult or painful. They injected some sort of slightly radioactive solution into my breast. I had to wait two hours. Luckily, the cancer center isn't far from home. I returned and they put me under this strange machine that looks like a less-modern CT Scan or MRI. I only had to stay still 10 minutes. The doctor marked my breast for the spot and they gave me an envelope for the surgeon tomorrow.

By coincidence, a friend was put under today for a D&C over the border in Germany. She gave me a blow-by-blow description, fresh from the outpatient experience.

Still scared. Still a sissy!!!!

Big relief-the Surgeon Called!!!

If you haven't read about the MRI, skip this and read that first otherwise, this post might not make much sense!

After a not-restful night, I decided to email the doctor in the morning. Just after noon, he called.

NO CHANGE TO TREATMENT. The only difference is that he's going to take both out at the same time. They're small and close together (lucky me) and the only thing is that Dr. N. has to lance me with two harpoons, instead of one.

Will he be able to find it, since he missed it before? Yes, he assured me. Once they know it's there, they can hunt it down by ultrasound and lance it.

Only one node, the Sentinel, will be taken out. In the U.S., I know they go and get more but not here. I'm zen with that. The logic is that once the cancer has spread, it's spread and it's Chemo time. I hope not but again, I'll do what I gotta do to keep on this planet another few decades! No fat arm problems. I was so dreading that.

No talk of mastectomies.

The evening before I had a long chat with a double-lucky survivor. She had some great insight. She also tried to get me mentally ready for a possible mastectomy, which last night, wasn't that far from my consciousness, and unscaried the whole deal. I needed to hear that. It was nice talking to someone who's been there.

This afternoon, a few hours after talking to the Surgeon, I called an English friend's mother who is also going through this. She's about a month ahead of me. There are some differences. Only one lump, less radiation (probably because she's post-menopausal) and no MRI. But basically, the dye, harpoons and surgery were the same. She had one small setback too. They had to bring her back in to get clear margins, and did. I guess everyone has at least one bump in the road. Hope this is mine!

But she was very positive too. The surgery, no big deal. The after care, no big deal. The dye and harpoons don't hurt. One thing she said that the other friend couldn't (unfortunately) was that I had had babies. How can I be worried about pain with this?!?

The surgery is "just a little sleep". It wasn't even very long, she assured me. Keep telling me that!

Just what I wanted to hear.

I think I'll go have a glass of wine with dinner tonight. The last two days have been veeeeeeery stressful! 

Wrote my Surgeon

I'm so glad I got my surgeon's email last Monday. I wrote him in my terrible French that they found something on my MRI, just in case Dr. S. hadn't gotten to him first. I explained that a second "something" was found, 10mm, 3cm from the other tumor. Also, that I'm getting the dye injected on Tuesday at noon and if my surgery date is reported, we have to cancel that...

I feel better after talking to my mother, then my sister, who happened to be taking a hike over the new Bay Bridge with a BC survivor friend. OMG did she set me straight!!! So nice to talk to someone who relates. I can't do that here. I don't know anyone here and they don't do groups here.

I've had some support over the net, a couple of sites...

It's just all scary, scary, scary.

Damn this long weekend! Why did I have to find this out a Friday afternoon before a 3 day weekend?!?

Go away World

Just needed a day to hibernate and hide from the world.

I woke up and felt like I'd been run over by a truck. Okay, an exaggeration but I realized that I had been too busy to drink all the water they recommended after the MRI. It was probably that stuff in the I.V. that did it. So I started drinking.

Basically, I'm drinking, running to the toilet and repeating the process. Had some tea just to have some variety.

Being bad. Looking up BC information. I'm still limiting myself to well-known sites (Mayo, About.com, Breastcancer something) that are geared for us unlucky ones with this disease. Staying away from anything "alternate" or meant for professionals.

The mastectomy pictures were scary. I just can't handle the idea right now. I hope that's not my reality...

I couldn't take Talia to practice. Just need to hide behind this computer, feel sorry for myself and cry. I know that I'm still lucky with this disease, so much luckier than others but still... I'm just feeling overwhelmed. 

The MRI experience, not so good...

I stressed over finding the place. I know the neighborhood as being one of the ones I always manage to get lost in. I printed up trusty Googlemaps but turns out it's right near the entrance of the Hopital Civil, where I was for my H1N1 adventure. There was also a parking lot right across the street.

The decor was very 1960's at Strauss. My cleaning lady told me that it's a scary place, since it's a cancer center. Her mother was treated there but this was my first time walking inside. I didn't find it scary at all. I did find a bunch of people smoking outside a bit, well, gauche. I mean folks, a cancer center?? I had to walk through a thick cloud of carcinogenic blue smoke to just get inside.

Turned out it was an "open" MRI. Thank goodness. The only problem is that I didn't take the time to really get comfortable. The bar at my forehead started to really dig in and I had trouble breathing because of how the table pressed down on my diaphragm. That was because of the boob holes I had to lie over and let my thingies hang. Both could have been easier if I had taken two extra seconds to situate myself better. It was a very long 20 minutes.

It wasn't as loud as everyone said it would be. It wasn't quiet but it wasn't horrible either. I wish I could have picked the radio station though. I ended up with Top 40's followed by a broadcast of a soccer match in Colmar. Oh yeah.

The techs were nice, all young women. We were talking about the machine afterward and one kindly informed me "Well, most of our patients are actually here because they have cancer..." I kind of smiled. "Includes me! I'm being operated on Wednesday for Breast Caner." Oh!

I had to wait awhile to see Dr. S., who is Dr. N's partner at Adassa. He had bad news.

First, the tumor is bigger than the two previous estimates. 28mm or 2.8cm at the longest point. Ugh.

Worse. There is a second "site of concern". There is no way to tell if it's cancer or not. It's only 10mm and 3cm from the tumor.

Dr. S. thinks both can be removed in the same surgery and that it won't change my treatment. Still, I'm a little dizzy imagining all sorts of scenarios... I'm worried about mastectomies and chemo. I'm not even sure they'll have an impact. I'm just not sure.

One of the school moms just asked her doctor husband, who said that in theory, from that second-hand info, it shouldn't change anything.

Darned this long weekend! Monday is off and Dr. S. couldn't give Dr. G. my results yet because we were over at Strauss.

I went to services tonight with Davina. 

MRI day!

Thinking of a childhood friend who just had a mastectomy yesterday. Heard she's doing well and eager to get home. She had to travel to have it done.

Today finally, is my MRI. I'm a little nervous. I hope I can stay still for that long. I'll eat early so that I don't have to deal with any digestive problems during ;) It falls awkwardly at lunchtime. I'll plan on getting the kids afterwards.

Yesterday, I did all the hospital admin stuff. I talked to the anesthesiologist, who was a bit dismissive about my antihistamine issue. I did ask for anti-nausea stuff. She asked me about the pre-op meds and I said half of whatever, just in case. Not in the morning because if I'm too loopy, I'm worried I won't be cooperative with Dr. N. He has to put in the filament to guide the surgeon. My apt. is 10:30 so they have enough time.

I also had to see an admin person and then a nurse. They decided that my blood-type card was too old, since the last time I had anything was Davina's birth 9 years ago. So yet-another blood test! She did it well. They put it over the bruise from the last test just a few days ago! Can we coordinate things better people? Feel like a pin-cushion already!

I did relent and look up the two procedures that Dr. N. is doing. Let's say, I'm glad I'll get them done by someone I know and trust! The surgeon said he does these very well. The dye has to be injected the day before. Sounds yukky but I'll be a Big Girl. The filament sounds strange. I emailed a friend who had this done to ask her what's involved. I assume the string will be left inside the boob. It's removed during surgery. This is a procedure only for very small tumors which are not easy to find. Bummer to have yet-another step but glad I'm in the category.

Just for curiosity, I looked up About.com's info on biopsy. Now, I'm staying away from Dr. Google as advised but I do look at trusted sites which are geared towards those of us facing Breast Cancer. I don't look at anything for medical professionals. The Mayo clinic has great pages. They're really short and only tell you what to expect and what stuff is. If you want more information, you have to click. Psychologically, this works great. You can stop at any point.

The biopsy procedure shown was very different than how it was done with me. I was on my back and they showed a woman lying face down with her boobs hanging down. I have no idea but it probably was because of where my tumor is, very off-to-the-side. The hanging position wouldn't have been too useful!

So my sister is getting tested for the BRCA genes. They didn't want to do it unless I tested first. She told them that I'm not getting it done now, since my treatment isn't that complicated. Some women get it during treatment to decide between say, a single vs. double mastectomy. I'm not facing any mastectomy and probably no chemo. I'll just get this done and then face BRCA testing later.

They claimed that two relatives wasn't "enough". She citied that we do have a small family, so there's not that much "info" and one relative is a sister who lives abroad. They took it to the chef and they relented. She's getting tested.

I will do it, whether she's negative or not, since I have two daughters.

I'm trying to cover all my bases while I'm gone. This is done as an out-patient procedure in the U.S. so I'm a little miffed at the two-night stay. See if I can negotiate getting out on Thursday. At least the kids can visit me after school. They're only a few blocks away. They go to the public schools for people who live in that sector. I arranged that another mom take Davina over after school on Thursday, who lives nearby.

I'm also planning laundry, food and other practical matters. We have a long weekend and it's not sure what will be open on Monday.

Still nervous about surgery but nervous like getting-on-a-rollercoaster nervous. I don't feel like I'm in peril.

I'm going to services tonight. My favorite rabbi (I'm collecting professional, by the way) will be there. He's also American, married to a Frenchie and comes from Paris to do services about once a month. I did tell a couple of people ahead of time. I hope they don't fuss over me. I'm bringing Davina because she has a class beforehand of Talmud Torah (since Sunday is cancelled due to the long weekend) and I'm begging Ronnie to go. He is resisting because Daniel often takes him to Saturday morning services in Wolfisheim (booooooring!) because they don't have minion. Ugh. He's negotiating to get out of Saturday if he comes with me.

Now off to look up this MRI place, see where it is, etc.

Mon petit blob

I went to see the generalist yesterday. It was a good idea. She gave me a couple of Rx's I might need in advance. She also explained some things in detail that the surgeon and the radiologists didn't have time to do. She spent a whole hour with me, which I appreciated.

I'm having trouble getting anyone to take my BRCA questioning seriously. I'm not sure whether they're actually against it or whether it's just because they want me to focus on getting over this trial first. The BRCA is not playing a role in this treatment because I'm not faced with a mastectomy. The surgeon explained that it would not increase my statistics. The small size of the tumor, the location and the kind of cancer all discount any medical reason for doing it.

I could see if I were faced with a mastectomy and I then found out I was BRCA positive, having one or both out would be a valid decision.

I also have to realize that they just don't see BRCA in this part of the world. I went through the same hoops when I insisted on being tested for Tay Sachs when pregnant with Ronnie. Most Jewish people in France are Sephardic. Yes, I live the only region with a majority Ashkenazi population but Alsatian Jews have a different history.

They were isolated and lived in the country, in contrast to Eastern European Ashkenazis who were usually in cities. Jews weren't allowed to live in Strasbourg itself basically from Black Death in the 1640's till the end of WWII. They were blamed for the Bubonic Plague by poisoning the wells. No one realized that rats were to blame. After 1300 Jewish people were tied up and burned to death in Place Kleber, those who survived then had to live outside of the city, settling in the countryside. They didn't develop the genetic diseases that their Eastern European counterparts did. A bell still rings at the cathedral at 5pm every evening to signal that the Jews have to leave.

They didn't mix much with other Jewish communities. Even over in Germany, they were considered too country-fied and religious to mix with the more assimilated Jewish community over the border, probably including my own ancestors (who were form Baden). So those in Alsace scattered in the little villages, plying trades that didn't involve owning land but not able to settle in big cities. Alsace is dotted by tiny, abandoned synagogues and cemeteries in villages. There's even one a few blocks away. And thus, they didn't develop the same diseases...

Except for the odd ball like myself, the medical community doesn't see it. So I'm not going to get too upset about it. I might have to knock on a few doors. But my sister is going to get tested. Obviously, a positive result would mean I'd be taken seriously here. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen...

This is officially, my "day off". Tomorrow I meet with the anesthesiologist and Friday is the MRI. I'm going to Not Think About It for the whole day! Yeah right...

Trying to update people who are not on Facebook and don't have regular contact with my friends and family already. Sent out a few texts and WhatsUp messages... Wish there were a "contact central" to do it all from the same place but oh well.

I have the Welsh Church in Melbourne Australia praying for me. My friend isn't even Welsh but plays the organ for them. Quite heartened with the global, ecumenical support I'm getting from my diverse friends and family!

Tomorrow, I'll be thinking about a childhood friend who is getting her mastectomy. 

I have a date-Nov. 13th, Bye bye blob!

I don't know why I was so nervous seeing the surgeon. I was just so keen on getting a quick date and getting this over with!

He recognized me, 14 years later, almost 15 really. He joked "If I closed my eyes, I would still recognize you!" Um yeah...

He hadn't looked at my file yet but he went through all the papers I brought quickly. I could see by the look on his face. He was fixated on my mammogram. "There isn't anything, is there?"

"No, this is only visible on the ultrasounds." Then, looking at me sternly, "Do you realize how lucky you are? To have a skilled radiologist who not only did ultrasounds on you, who recognized that you had the dense tissue that meant it was necessary, who know how to do it properly??"

Yes, I assured him. So many stories, I don't know of anyone who had such a small tumor.

He was especially pleased with the lab results. "You have strong receptors for both hormones. This is like an umbrella against the storm of reoccurrence. Five years of anti-hormone pills after treatment..." He did confirm that it was a medium grade cancer but the rest was as good as one can hope for, low reproduction rate-15%.

He would be surprised if there is anything in the lymph node, or in the margins. "...and if there is?"

"Then I have to go back in and take out more tissue. But don't worry, the way Dr. N. does this, I'll know exactly where to go. There is little chance of this happening."

Whew.

I did mention my sister's lymphoma, and he again, assured me that there is no link. I mentioned the BRCA genes and he's not that convinced I should do it.

The MRI will be the Last Word on whether there's anything in either breast. He's doubtful they'll find anything because of my clean mammogram.

He confirmed my "light" risk factors. I told him, look, I really didn't dig into the whole subject much. I knew I had a higher risk, I got my checks and lived my life. He said that I did exactly the right thing. I just don't want people to think I mulled over this much. I really didn't.

I've been thinking about this because my sister-in-law's mother-in-law died of Breast Cancer a couple of years ago. This will put her daughter in that risk category. I was telling her daughter, long before I was diagnosed, you're going to go in, get checked, told everything is fine and continue with your life. You're not going to Live in Fear or let it dominate your life and the decisions you make for the future.

He got on the phone. He got me next Wednesday and booked appointments to inject the dye and insert the radioactive liquid. One is the day before, one is the morning of, and perplexingly, two different locations (didn't bother asking why.)

They want me to check in the night before, to be there by 10am. I told them, I'm here in this neighborhood at 8am, dropping my kids off anyway. Not keen to be away an extra night. The surgery itself is at 3pm. My mom says this is a good sign. No one does major surgery that late in the day! They want to clean up and go home...

I'm going to see my generalist today. I have a couple of issues that I didn't want to "get into" with the specialists. One is genetic testing.

To be honest, I would be surprised if I were BRCA I or 2 positive. It tends to happen with families with a lot of cancer, and nastier cancers. But my sister is going for the test, because she's already at risk because of her lymphoma. It's the treatment for it that causes the risk. We do know of someone who got a double mastectomy, a few years after after being treated for lymphoma.

Yesterday, I got the blood test for whatever they check with the kidneys for the MRI on Friday. It'll be done by Dr. N.'s partner Dr. S, whom I also know.

I get questions about the kids. My kids have an aunt who survived lymphoma. The older two don't remember and Davina wasn't born yet but they've seen pictures and we've talked about it. Then, Talia had a girl in her class come down with leukemia. She was out of school for almost a year. I recommended to her mom to make an email list, or start a blog to keep everyone informed. I explained that with my mom, she couldn't keep straight who knew what and where to start with updates. So she did and the poor girl had a rough time with one of the drugs. There were months in isolation too. But they held a big party when she returned. The mom couldn't come. She was home crying!

It made for a very un-cancer-phobic class. 

A new chapter...

I stopped posting here awhile back because Blogger wouldn't let me add any more pictures. They wanted some sort of payment, which I'm not against but could see it turning into a slippery slope. I then went on a hunt for a better format and am still looking, not too hard...

I've decided to resurrect this blog to chronicle my new adventure, Breast Cancer.

I've been followed for 30 years. No, not always on time but I found a lump at age 20. Turns out that it was just a cyst and went away on its own. I get a lot of cysts. This is a slight risk factor. I also have dense breasts with lots of fiber. Risk factor? never looked into it. Family? There was a tragic death of my father's first cousin in the 1970's. I knew her parents but not her. Later, they decided that only "direct" relatives; sister, mother, etc. "counted" but I had about 20 years of mammograms by that time. It was time to get them done anyway.

To be honest, I never really dwelled on this subject. I just got tested. I waltzed out of the office happy and didn't give it much thought. I didn't research my "risk" factors. I would get or not get, whatever but would make sure I'd get tested. I figured, I couldn't change anything. All I could do was make sure I was caught early.

We knew we wanted more kids after Ronnie so when I stopped breastfeeding, I made an apt. at the same hospital where he was born. That's how I met "my" radiologist. This is how I posted it on Facebook;

The first time I met my radiologist, I was standing in his hallway, admiring a picture of Angkor Wat in Cambodia. He walked in behind me and I said "I've always wanted to see Angkor Wat..." "At least you *know* what it is!" he quipped. I didn't notice but there wasn't any label on it.

I always say that it's not so bad being checked for Breast Cancer for most of my life. My risk factors were minimal, and debatable, but I just had the checks anyway. He simply declared that I had dense tissue and would need both a mammogram and ultrasound every time. So I did.

Always having the same radiologist, I would admire how his daughters were growing up in the photos in the office. Neither wanted to go into medicine! I heard about the brother who lives in Arizonia. We'd joke about how the French said his name... Anyway, going to get my mammograms was just a chance to say "hi". It made doing something unpleasant, that much easier.

But it came in handy when I was about to give birth to Talia. The nurses wanted to send me to Hautepierre, a large public hospital where they have a neo-natal unit. I kept insisting that Talia was arriving early but within their guidelines of 36 weeks, and there was nothing wrong with her. Our compromise? See the radiologist. Guess who was on duty? I was in tears when I arrived, babbling about now wanting to go to Hautepierre. "Let's take a look at this baby..." he said comfortingly. "She weighs three kilos!" he declared (7lbs?) "There is NO medical reason to send you away. I'm going to recommend that you stay right here and have this baby."

And I did. Talia was born at the same private Jewish hospital where her brother, father and eventual sister was.

So I would also try to get him whenever an X-ray had to be taken (not always possible though). I was always sent home with a clean bill of health and finally, two weeks ago, I went to see him in the new center where mammograms are all done now. That's what we were talking about when he stopped and looked at something on the screen. He then pulled up an image of one of my many cysts and put it on the other side of the screen. "See, they're not the same. This one is clear and you can see something inside of the other" (barely!) "Also" he added "irregular edges..." I knew that wasn't good.

He pulled up my ultrasound in the computer from two years ago and it wasn't there. He also showed me that the mammogram just done was clear. Nothing could be detected. This blob is about 10mm big and can't be felt either.

So he did the Best Biopsy Ever on me the next week on it. I really didn't feel a thing. He put a rush on it, so that I would have the results the next day. He was also the one to give me the bad news, and reassuringly did my ultrasound and X-ray to let me know that there is no indication of metastasis. He also heartily recommended the surgeon at that hospital to do the surgery.

I think I just needed one last reassurance. The secretary gave me the envelope with the X-ray. Please confirm with him that it's alright. He ran out into the hallway. Everything's fine, he assured me. Gave me a big smile and sent me on my way to my next Big Adventure; becoming a survivor!

I estimate this has been caught about two years before it would have showed up on a mammogram.

Merci Dr. N!!


I kind of wrote it this way for a number of reasons. First, it's long on purpose. Only those who know me will read it all. Second, it's my message that I'm getting good care here. I also wanted to mention that it really small and early. 

I left off the part that he also figured out that I was progesterone deficient. We were just talking, during an exam and he said brightly "You have the classic case of progesterone deficiency. Go back to your gynecologist and ask him for some supplements. That's all it'll take..." Thank you Dr. G (gynecologist at the time) for NOT picking this up. Darned radiologist did...

I did take the pill for awhile. I took it for about a year in England, which is like 20 years ago now. I took the progesterone and then changed gynecologists (don't ask why!) and she put me on the pill-Yaz. She did switch me when the controversy came up over it. Will not look into that now! 

I was really happy when she gave me the final lab results from the biopsy. I'm HER2 negative (makes treatment a little more complex so glad it's not there) and estrogen and progesterone positive, which means I can be treated with hormone suppressants. Another weapon in my armery. She told me 15%, and anything under 20 is good. I think that's the reproduction rate but am not sure. Her quote was "If you have to have cancer, have it like this". I am still a candidate for skipping chemo. I'll do radiation but if the lymph nodes and margins around the tumor are clear, I go straight to radiation. It'll also be a "clean up" radiation, just to zap any cancer cells that escaped. 

In other words, the cancer isn't anything exotic or difficult to treat. Even with a tiny tumor without any indication of it having spread, if it's a scary enough version, they do chemo. I was now off the hook with this issue.

I see the surgeon on Monday. I'm super nervous because I've never had surgery before, never been "put under". Guess there always has to be a first time and better it's under controlled circumstances (as opposed to an emergency, which if often the case). As surgery goes, this is pretty straightforward. It's not very deep and he only need to remove a few lymph nodes, the tumor and a bit of material around it.  

I was so nervous about the biopsy. The 10 day wait didn't help but now I'm glad I did it with him an didn't get it done elsewhere. I was on the verge of tears when I arrived. A friend had offered to come with me but she couldn't last minute. Daniel can't drive and I didn't want to leave the kids alone at home. The girls were sending me photos of their stuffed animals to cheer me up, while I waited.

I absolutely didn't feel a thing. The anesthetic kind of burned a tiny bit and then, nothing. I was shocked when he was done. I told him later that I had heard some horror stories and I appreciated what a great job he did. He got all serious. "This is an easy procedure to mess up. Every step has to be respected. If you don't wait long enough, or don't go far enough, it can be very unpleasant". 

Both he and Dr. K, the gynecologist, are very good about explaining things. 

Dr. N. put a rush on it and had me come in the next day. I told the desk and waited my turn. He came in the waiting room and I stood up. "You're here. Did you tell the desk?" yes, "Don't worry, just come with me" and I followed him down the hall, with Daniel limping on his crutches behind me. 

I could tell he wasn't happy. He just said that the results weren't good. Then he started to list all this stuff and I started to panic. Really, when you tell someone they have cancer, they're not going to hear the next 10 minutes of babble. He was trying to be reassuring but not doing a good job of it, pointing out the myriad of treatments available. He even mentioned Angela Jolie. I didn't need to hear that name! Daniel grabbed my leg and put his hand over his eyes and started crying. I was just in shock and could hardly speak.

Basically, you had an office with three people from three different continents (although all of us are now French) with a doctor telling a patient that they have cancer. It's going to be awkward, even without the cultural differences. 

The had me come in the next day for a chest X-ray and an ultrasound of the abdomen. This is to check if there is any sign of metathesis, which in itself was kind of scary. He could see I was in a state and was very sweet with me, not all cold and scary like the day before.  

The surgeon is my gynecologist when I was pregnant with Ronnie. I changed because he talked me out of an amnio and that got me riled up. I heard later that he's orthodox and against prenatal testing in general. I felt that I was fighting his principals, which isn't good. He's nice but I didn't feel confident that he would have gotten an exception to the fathers-present-for a C-section. The hospital officially won't allow it but he assured me that he could get an exception for Daniel. I wasn't sure. I turned out to be a very distant candidate for a C-section so it all was a non-issue. 

I feel more comfortable having this in a familiar hospital, with doctors that I know, not far from where I used to live and where my kids still go to school. I just feel better about it all.