Session no. 4 done, only 29 to go!!!

I showed my red boob to the rad tech and she wasn't impressed. "Pretty typical. Is it a little hard?" Yup. Don't worry about it, she assured me.

I think I did get through to her that I wasn't suffering. I was concerned that with such an early reaction to the rads that I was in for trouble. I was relieved to hear this. I figured, if it's already reacting, is it going to balloon up and explode by the 20th session. Guess not.

They gave me a new card with my photo.

I took the girls to the optometrist. He's this tall, good looking guy who can be a bit clinical. His first name is Serge. I mean, how can any ugly guy have a first name like that?? Then he has this four syllable typical Alsatian Jewish last name, which makes for an amusing name pairing.  I'm with him only because I don't need to make an apt. 6 months out. He runs a tight ship and is on time (like the only doctor of any speciality in France...) Let's be diplomatic and say he isn't there to win any personality contests. He checks your eyes, you get your Rx and NEXT!

Oh no, it's been over a year. Look how much their refraction has changed. You need to follow this a bit better...

WE GET IT! No, I just sat there and told him he was right. Bad mama I am!

I wasn't scheduled but then I gave him a big smile and pointed to the chair. Sigh. Go ahead.

"Are you taking any medications?"
"No but I will be soon"
"What will you be taking?"
"Tamoxifen and it has a lot of side effects. I'm wondering with my eyes..."
"Why are you taking that??"
"I had Breast Cancer. I was operated in October. I'm doing radiation right now, like this morning..."
So sorry I was a bit distracted and didn't get my kids' eyes checked out when I should have!!!

He quickly turned the topic to my bifocals. I told him that they don't work and that I have to lift up my glasses to read something small. Well, that's kind of defeating the purpose. Read this, he ordered and showed me something in fine print. I barely got through the first line with my wonderful accent than he yanked it back. "Guess you don't need bifocals..."

Guess I don't! So he just wrote it for one refraction.

I took Ronnie in the week before. I apologized for being late (I had called, I'm the only patient in France who does this apparently) and they were fine with it (once they get past the shock of having an actual patient call and say they might  be late). When I showed up, I told her my "good" excuse.

She had lost her mom to breast cancer. The woman was only 52. Um. You realize...

"Yes, I know..." but I was encouraging. Caught early. Not a big deal. Still scary but no chemo. Get yourself checked! Do you like your radiologist? No, she doesn't. Here's mine. OMG, he did my pregnancies! Yes, go back to him. He caught my cancer and did my biopsy. Yes, I know him! Talk to him about ultrasounds in addition to mammograms, possibly a MRI. Ask him what you need to do...

Most importantly, do your checks and then don't think about it. Just live your life and don't let this be a big black cloud looming over you.  Bad news may never come and if you're on top of it, your bad news could be my bad news, which will be a few difficult months of my life and that's it!

Ronnie yanked me out of the office to go.

This time I gave her my email and phone. Any questions, contact me. Then Talia yanked me out of the office.

It's like their mom is a member of some Secret Society. Too scary how many are touched by this...
  

Bummer Christmas!

I'm just sad, feeling sorry for myself. It's rainy and grey here in Alsace. I'm trying not to think of the family party last weekend, the Revels, the Nutcracker, etc. All that going on without me.

Good coordination. Our annual Crab Night wouldn't have happened even if we were there. The expert crab-maker is in Antarctica!

I'm exactly 6 weeks post-op today.

So I called a fellow survivor with whom I spent two Christmas's in England, over 20 years ago. She just finished radiation, only 15 sessions. There are a few differences since she's post-menopause. No problems.

I told her my mom's story about breast surgery when she was a nurse in the 50's (early 60's). Oh no! she squeaked. Okay, let's say this. Those poor women went into surgery not knowing what they'd wake up to. The pathology was done on the spot (they ran it down and did it asap) and the decision was made while she was still on the table. Chills! So scary.

She was talking about the fact the stigma isn't there any longer. I pointed out that treatments and survivability are less scary too, taking the frightening aspect out of the whole deal. There are still scary stories out there but fewer and they have complications.

But today, I looked in the mirror and after only two sessions, I've got a slightly red boob, and it feels differently. Not good! I'll be sure to bring the creams with me next time (no products before rads but I can put them on in the dressing room afterwards).

My stuffing worked out pretty well. At least is was sort of like being home, but not really...

My leg is really giving me problems so hopefully, two days off of it, no driving and I can make it to Europark on Friday!

We also reserved for my birthday. It's a nice hotel in Ribeauvillé, about an hour south of here. I'm bummed about not doing something more exotic. I tried but everything's either booked or closed this time of year. I'm spending my 50th in Alsace. Oh great... But it has a pool, a jacuzzi and a view. That's all I need for 48 hours. 

Bring on the Rads!

And so it begins. I had treatments today and yesterday. Nothing exciting to report. The machine is kind of cool. It spins around me (better than the other way around). The nurses seem nice. Everything was on time.

I am, by far, the youngest one there. You can hear almost equal Alsatian to French in the waiting room. They all get to know each other. One guy announced Merry Christmas to everyone in Alsatian. Why bother, since we technically live in France, to translate??

I did see another young-ish looking woman yesterday. I also saw a couple of ladies in turbans and I'm aware that they might be younger than they look, post chemo, without hair. I see them and say another prayer of thanks that I didn't have to go through that.

There is a ticker tape on the wall, listing delays. There are three machines and yesterday, it said that there was a 20 minute delay on one of them, not mine. They have names; Primus I and Primus II. The machine that was late was "Axesse" or something like that. There are two doors of different colors for each machine, so I can kind of follow when I'm next.

When I arrive, I throw my card in the Primus I box and sit down in the center section and wait. No need to check-in or whatever.

So far, no ill effects. I'm kind of annoyed that they're closed so much. Dec. 25th and 26th, then a half day on the 31st (I don't have a slot) and Jan.1st. So I stayed home from California for the sake of 6 sessions. Ugh!

Really deadbeat Christmas. It's not too cold, but grey. Missing home. Wish I were there! 

Back to the GP for the knee.

Yeah! Kids off school now. Sad about not being in California but at least we can relax. Davina cried on the way to school. Yesterday is when the kids visit Grandpa's school usually. We have a whole program when we're there. Maybe I'll ask about the psychologist who is at the rads clinic and have her talk to them.

I had to go back to the doctor and get other stuff for the pain. Ugh! I have trouble especially when I sleep. I have a muscle relaxant and a pain killer. Prefer the latter. I promised not to mix them since she gave me both.

The GP agrees with Dr. N. that it's my knee and the pain is radiating from there. Hard to believe since my hip gives me more problems. It seems to bounce around.

I'm wondering if swimming will hurt or help it. I'm not too keen to get back in the water in case it cramps up, even though the water at Schiltig isn't that cold. I'm going to be irradiating the side of my torso soon enough so I might as well stay away until all this is over.

My mom read that swimming is not good for weight loss. It's great for everything but. It increases hunger and they don't know why.

We figured out what that drug is that she already gave me. I told her I took Anaprox back in the U.S. Sure enough, that was it! My trusty drug for cramps for 20 years was what she gave me!! That stuff was magic on cramps. Haven't had them since Ronnie was born but while it worked then, it didn't now.

She then asked me "Didn't Dr. N. give you your X-rays??" Oops! She ordered so many and I just forgot. Nothing to report. Fine, but bring the X-rays next time!!

Small victory. I was able to sleep last night without any sort of bra. I've been wearing a very basic sports bra at night. I had to wear something because when I turned, it pulled on the stitches. Now, I'm healed enough to rotate pain-free! A small victory but a victory nonetheless.

Kind of a dead weekend. Talia has practice but nothing else is going on. Just waiting on Monday! 

The day we were supposed to fly to California...

The kids are sad. Today was the day we were going to buy our tickets to California, to spend the holidays and my birthday there.

Then I think of how much cancer has taken away from so many, I realize how unscathed I really am, and how grateful I am that my cancer journey has been so much easier than it has been for others. One trip to California is a small price to pay. Okay, not just a trip to California... a lot of picking, prodding and sweating over test results-and I'm not even done yet!

Radiation to come!!!

Which is why the "sacrifice" is really not being able to go anywhere!

But radiation symptoms are nothing compared to chemo effects and I can deal. It's not a bad place to be irradiated. My sister could barely eat when her throat was done. The side of my boob is not such an exposed or delicate area as the throat is.

I had another PT session and one more before Christmas. I'll see how realistic it is to continue with the rads.

What's funny is that I mentioned that my daughter does rhythmic gymnastics and she asked casually, if I knew one of her teammates. The PT knows the whole family. I whipped up a photo of the two girls together. Remember her sprained ankle two years ago? She asked me.  It was especially amusing because the dad was telling the PT how we have such a great club and how chummy the parents are. Well, guess I'm one of his chums!

Having cancer in a small town is kind a special experience...

My stuff's back!

I got this big envelope in the mail. No note, no return address. Nothing. But at least I have my X-rays again. I don't really need them at this point. I ended up not canceling my apt. at Strauss but I told the study people and another department. They also got the request to give back the stuff from Sainte Anne.

Sooooo glad I'm out of there!

My hip is a little better. The other morning I was taking a shower and there was this awful looking blister on my thigh. So, being a Cancer Patient, immediately I thought the worse. For a flash, I had visions of mets and reoccurrences... Then I calmed down and realized that it was a burn from the hot water bottle I use in bed for my hip.

Duh.

Yesterday was a stunning victory. I found... a cotton bra! One of those soft things that goes over my head. Flimsy support but good for sleeping. Soooo comfortable! C&A in Germany, not France. I even went down a size (yeah!) but I think sizes run bigger in Germany. Oh well. Now my family doesn't have to send me any from the U.S.

I'm ready for radiation! 

I'm the tattoo lady!

They did two scans today, and did two tattoos. They didn't hurt at all. I'm all marked up and haven't looked in the mirror. There was a lot of ink going on...

I'm kind of young for that place. It wasn't noticeable at Strauss but in a dedicated radiation center, it is. There were some ladies with really short hair. I doubt it was a style choice of their own but they otherwise looked good. The place was packed. Both the nurse and the doctor I saw, assured me that for the early apt.'s that I requested, it won't be a problem to park and won't be so busy.

Dr. K (the onc-rad lady) said that it's no rush to see the endocrinologist so late. I told her there was a big wait and I could only get an apt. for early February. My thyroid is working, she assured me. It's just with the antibodies, it's on its way out. Lovely. Deal with that later, after this is all done. No conflict (like tiredness from both) is a problem.

A nurse talked to me for awhile. Of course, when she went on to explain things, I had to come out with the story. I wasn't one of the totally-shocked-that-I-got-this cases. I told her, it was the monster in the closet for three decades. In my case, I was just happy to have avoided chemo and grateful that the monster was small, and hopefully easy to clobber!

No pool, she warned me. Argh! I bet they don't miss me at Schiltig!

I came out of the restroom and saw a young doctor who looks just like his mom. "Bonjour. Dr. H.?" I ventured, surprised at my bravery. "Ah, Madame Dreyfuss!" Okay, he'd been warned.

We snuck into the hallway and had a quick chat. Two kids! The little boy I saw at Hannukah and a little girl, 9 months. His brother is Lyon doing orthopedics... I told him the little joke his dad told me. I also admitted that I wasn't up-to-date with the Jewish Community gossip and didn't put them together, the H's son married the G's daughter! If anyone got sick at that wedding, they would have been well-taken care of.

I was curious to ask him what it's like having Dr. G. as a father-in-law but resisted!

Such a gracious, sweet guy. I was impressed! I was also pleased for his parents, who must be very proud of him. I'd met him years ago, very briefly at the Lingo synagogue, when he was still a student.

Those fancy parking spaces were all taken. I had to drive around and around... But come in the front and just park, the nurse explained. Mornings are fine.

I start on Monday and go to February 6th. Big relief as this will be right before the next vacations. French schools run 6-7 weeks between 2 week breaks, but then their summers are shorter (early July to early Sept.) 

Tomorrow back at Sainte Anne

Apparently, back in the U.S., they're not into using ultrasounds anymore. My sister was in shock. My cancer was found with a sonogram, and they just want to do mammograms?? MRI's instead, on high-riskers. At first, they said she didn't meet the criteria. What?!? How much more "high-risk" can you be? But MRI's? Dr. N. said they'd be doing biopsies all day if the general public were checked with MRI's. I get that but those with high-risk, do the mammos with MRI's.

I'll alternate between the the two; mammos with sonograms, mammo with MRI's. The MRI's will have to be booked 3 months in advance (probably more if I want Dr. N. to do them). How can ultrasounds be abandoned so easily? It's not that much radiation. Cost?? And it wasn't just my sister but another high-risker was told that at another hospital back home. I'll be on the lookout for articles.

I'm going to be such a nervous wreck the first few times I'm checked, probably breaking out in hot flashes as it's happening. He's already seen me at my worst. I'm soooo dreading that Tamoxofen! Friends were over and I was in pain from the arthritis and had trouble sitting. One of the side effects is joint pain. Great...

And the husband who was over today, guess what his sister was just diagnosed with?? It's scary-common. She's waiting on surgery. I made the mistake of asking a couple of questions. Oops. People don't know stuff. I was explaining about the chemo and how the protocol works. I didn't want them to misunderstand why I was able to get out of it, how I met all the criteria but how if the cancer had been more aggressive, that some cancers justify chemo regardless of how contained it is.

I realize that I'm being sent to Daniel's partner. He saw a "Diabetologue" which confused me at first. He's an endocrinologist (specializing in diabetes, obviously) in a practice and Nice Onc-Rads lady send me to one of his partners. I know where it is, at least...

So tomorrow is shake-down time, almost at the same hour that I would have been at Strauss. I get the tattoos and do the mold. 

Helloooooo Sainte Anne!

No, that's not spelled wrong. Female saints get their on extra "E" in French.

First, what St. Anne doesn't have. The smoke cloud as you enter. No more irony of smokers smoking outside a Cancer Center jokes. I'm not sure where all the Ambulance drivers go to smoke but it's no where near the Radio-therapy dept. at St. Anne.

Radiotherapy has its own entrance! No mixing with the hoi-poloi of the main lobby.

Then there are the parking spaces! I'd put a photo. I actually took one but blogger won't let me. Spots, just for little-old-us!!!

It was quiet and just a few people milling around. It was all modern, clean and quite. I got to see a Real Doctor, as opposed to an intern and no panicking over bone scans and no threats about starting in January. I'm coming back on Monday.

And I'm getting 9am appointments! Perfect timing!! I got to pick! It's so civilized!

Someone from Paul Strauss called about the study I'm participating in. I took the blood test and wanted to do this. I'm happy to continue BUT I'm switching to St. Anne. Sorry but that's not the protocol (I think they used that word just to annoy me). Fine. I'm out. Too bad. I even said something like "Oh that's too bad. If you can't be flexible..." I'll just go to a private endocrinologist. The Nice Doctor at St. Anne gave me a reference.

I have something weird on my thyroid that the blood test showed. I'll write about that later but it's not a huge emergency. But it means more doctor appointments. Just what I need! I'm running out of the alphabet (if you noticed, I've removed the doctor's names in this blog for privacy reasons. Tell me if I forgot one!) so all the doctors have letters. Luckily, the Nice Doctor at St. Anne has a letter I haven't used yet, or should I just leave her as "Nice Doctor"??

She was kind of matter-of-fact about my cancer. Really common, ordinary, yada, yada... I hope she realized that I was happy to hear that. I did mention my sister and she was a little surprised. Two sisters, cancers before age 50?? No, it was a different deal for my sister. Rare, no clear protocol (that word again!) recent changes... Not my story! Boring old IDC. Thank you!

It was odd that out in Robertsau, it was all frosty and beautiful. I had heard that it's a little colder up there. It was 1C and 2C in town. But since it takes longer to drive up there, I was thinking "Oh great, I'm entering another climate zone". I saw a Christmas tree seller and thought "Wow, he has all flocked trees" and realized what a bimbo I was. It was outside and they had FROST on them.

So I'm out of the study (boo-hoo) but they use Strauss's genetic counselor, who has already approved me for BRCA testing. Bingo! They don't even have anyone at St. Anne.

I also went to the physical therapist today. My life is sandwiched between medical appointments. 

You again??

No, they were nice. Back I was in radiology. Well, what a menu! they joked. There were quite a few X-rays ordered by my GP.

I was sitting along the wall, hoping no one would notice me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and Dr. N. was holding out his hand. Per French protocol, you're supposed to stand up but I just kind of compromised by sitting up, for lack of time (and being surprised). Hate when I'm called "Madame D." I think they're talking to my mother-in-law!

I was in so much pain taking Davina to school this morning. I could barely walk. I'm actually okay walking but stairs take me a moment but I can do it.

I like the X-ray that rolls back. They did the standing one and then put a pillow behind my head, while still standing. "Hold on!" as it leaned back with me in it. Sort of like an amusement park ride.

Then they threw me into the hall. Such a long wait! I wasn't in a hurry but thinking about my parking and our over-enthusiatic meter maids here.

Finally, when I saw him again, I told him I was in pain but the X-rays only showed a bit of arthritis. He thinks the pain is from my knee and radiates to my hip, because my hips are fine. My right hip had the worse displacement but "it's cured now" as he says. Okay... I showed him the worthless drug the GP gave me. "I can't figure this out without knowing what the generic is" he said, pulling out the info page.

You'll be better in a week. Great. I'll just hobble around like an old lady till then.

He said he was late because of another wire-marking procedure for surgery. Good excuse! Of course, we had to bring up the cancer. I'll get mammos/sonograms alternated with mammos/MRI's. I'm asking him, why do mammos when they're worthless on me?? He laughed. "Protocol". No, don't say that! But seriously, he explained that sometimes mammos can pick up things that are missed on the other two. He just had a case (older woman). She didn't have dense breasts, did she? No. Mine don't show anything. I kind of had to let it go. I got my point across.

I finally said what I'd been waiting to say. "Please tell me something so that I won't be having these third tumor nightmares??" We've done everything. The mammo, the MRI, the sonogram, he went on. We've seen what we need to see. We're as sure as we can be that there's nothing else in there. Not completely put at ease, but better, okay...

Then he told me a story that made my blood go cold. Woman who had a double mastectomy and had reconstruction, 10 years ago. She injured herself getting off the bus and ended up back in his office. Since he was X-raying her shoulder, he found something. Biopsy and bad news.

Nooooo! That's why women have double mastectomies!!! They're supposed to get "peace of mind" and not have to be followed, like I'll have to. My choice, theirs' is different. That's the philosophy. Chop off your boobs and not have to go through as much afterwards. Keep them and agree to additional treatments and screenings. That's usually what's on the menu for a breast cancer patient. All that surgery and she still got bad news! She has a good prognosis but it's just so unfair!

There's still tissue underneath. There are no guarantees in medicine, he said. I know that but my brain wants to categorize everything. Do this and that will or won't happen. Don't make it sound like a crap-shoot.

I think he saw the time and jumped up, said a quick goodbye and ran out of the office like the proverbial rabbit. I hobbled out of Adassa with my huge envelope of X-rays which are doing squat for my bad leg.

Problem is that I have two things going on at once. One is Very Serious and needs operating, etc. But I've never had a second of pain or problems with it. I couldn't even feel it. By contrast, I definitely feel my leg but it's not life-threatening so I'm having problems getting everyone to take it seriously.

I then went over to the pathology lab to pay for the original biopsy, a little late (the bill was a "rappelle") I didn't trust the rickety elevator so I walked up the three flights of stairs. "So this is it" I thought to myself "where my Fate was determined!" It was a very creepy looking building, in sharp contrast to Adassa's makeover. I couldn't see any labs but the place was a mess with papers. Hope your labs are more organized! Eek!

I tried taking a bath and that seemed to help. I also have put a towel under my knee when driving. Driving is killer for it.  At least I didn't get a parking ticket! 

Now I get it...

A few months ago we went to a Bris. No, it wasn't a Bris but they delayed the party so this was just the party...

Shut me up. Anyway, I see this couple I know who have two grown sons. So I ask how his sons are doing. Both are doctors. One, he said was an oncologist so he "doesn't like to recommend him to his friends." We both had a little chuckle over his joke and I moved on...

Well, guess what?? He said his son was an oncologist but he's really a radio-oncologist at Sainte Anne, married to my surgeon's daughter... I was joking with his dad only a few months ago about not wanting people he knew to go to him, and now I'm going to him...

I'm soooo not up on the Jewish community gossip. I just saw the grandson of both men at the Hannukah party. Sigh.

On a technicality, he won't be there. I met him when he was still a student ages ago (scary!) but I'm going to his collegue.

I woke up in pain so I saw BOTH the GP and my gynecologist today. I've done something to my hip and leg. It hurts to drive. I'm afraid of the arthritis, which apparently will get worse on the Tamoxifen, which I'm dreading taking.

She's sending me to get an X-ray. Great! All I need! More radiation... Poor Dr. N. will think I'm stalking him. Help! I have to go in and see them again because I can't read her handwriting and with my accent, they can't figure out what they have to do. Help! So dreading this...

Can't we just go straight to PT? I'm already doing it. The PT says we can just add it in.

No, we have to know what's going on first. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, the MRI! Just couldn't figure out why they insisted on that one...

Basically, I told her, when I sleep on the left, my sutures hurt. When I sleep on my right, my hip hurts. I'm kind of not winning the sleep battle.

My gynecologist thinks it's a good idea to slog out to Sainte Anne and do it there. Paul Strauss is closing eventually and there will be a big cancer center at Hautepierre, the major teaching hospital-right around the corner from us. In theory I could do it there too but who knows. She says since I haven't done the mold or the tattooing, I should be fine to change. I asked about my records.

"Why did you give them to them?"
"Because they asked." Ah, good reason. The ONE time I play the compliant Good French Patient!

As convoluted as it sounds, she wants me to call Sainte Anne and ask for them to be sent and not call them directly. She says they'll panic that I'm stopping treatment or some other palavah so if another institution calls, they know for a fact that I'm getting radiation somewhere.

She suggested I return to the pool and use a board. After my laughing at the ladies with their boards, just watch. I'll be one of them! She goes. She's going tomorrow at 7am (yikes!) She's like that. Skinny, disciplined... I can almost reach up straight above my head, which is my criteria.

She was very happy with the results. I've lost a little on the side but no big deal. The scar is healing nicely. Don't be in such a hurry to start radiation, she says. I could have gone to the U.S. if I wanted. Great, now you tell me. I reminded her that I couldn't have bought the tickets in time before knowing about chemo, which would already have been started if it had been a go.

She tried speaking English to me all of a sudden. Usually, that's annoying but she does speak it pretty well. I forgot the word for pituitary gland. I really, just forgot, my English! But we were talking about my stupid thyroid test. She thinks I can still participate but wants me to show the results to them at Sainte Anne. I'll probably need to see an endocrinologist for it.

She also ranted on about why Americans are so keen to do the double mastectomies. I read on the internet very light BC cases and they're chopping it all off. She explained, different culture and different medical system. French women want to keep their boobs. Fine. Get that. American women need the peace of mind of not being checked and having the all-clear that a DBX (as it's called on the net) can give them. Also, cancer treatment costs more than the surgery. I truly doubt that this plays a role but it's true that an American woman might be thinking "If my cancer comes back and I don't have insurance then..." a fear, the French woman doesn't have.

The American Cancer and Susan Komen sites had articles on just how effective BMX's are, or rather, aren't. They lower the risk of reoccurrence, but that is already very low. What they don't do, which Dr. G. told me, they don't improve survivability overall. I think women panic and just "want them off". I hate to judge but I'm kind of gearing myself up to defend my position on having the lumpectomy. It makes me sound shallow to say that I didn't want to have my boob taken off but honestly, I just didn't see any reason to do that. I've been checked for all these years. I'm really not afraid of it. Radiation? Heck, I'm from California. Walking across a parking lot is supposed to be the same amount as a chest X-ray. Okay, I don't really know. But I have time to look into it.

Getting either a single or double mastectomy is never really off the table. If I'm BRCA positive or if a more aggressive cancer comes back, we can talk. But I can't decide on "what-if's" and fear. As Dr. G. says, they don't grow back.

I am living my life in between medical appointments. I took Ronnie to visit a school he's applying to on Saturday morning. He was impressed. Let's see if he gets in! Also, Talia had a gymnastics competition in Reims on Sunday. We had a birthday dinner at a Chinese restaurant the evening before. She didn't do well and is not going to the French Championships. She will, but just to cheer on her friend who did get in. 

I caved...

I was driving down the street and I realized, I don't want to go to Strauss. Too many "stories" as they say in French. The taxi, canceling the apt., I can't handle that.

I really did want to go to Strauss. I wanted to do the Thyroid study. There was something weird on that thyroid test and I'm taking it to my GP tomorrow... Dr. G. said I can still do the genetic testing there. Just the radiation at Sainte Anne.

Of course, I have an apt. for Dec. 13th, hardly any earlier but...

Then he gives me a name and tells me it's his son-in-law who does the radiation therapy at Sainte Anne. Okay, now I get it. Mafia! At a Catholic hospital??

He didn't say "I told you so." I actually talked to him and he goes on about being "more comfortable, at ease" yada, yada. Fine. I'm being a Good Girl and changing!

At the apt. I mentioned that I had gained two kilos and that I missed exercising. "So what exercise do you do?" I swim, I told him. I think you can get back into the water next week. "Oh good! I do 30 laps at Schiltingheim..."  (the Olympic sized pool)

Without missing a beat "Maybe not..."

I posted that on FB and a girl who used to live here said that I should get a stationary bike because I can "parent at the same time". I need to get one because Daniel wants to use it and also, the pool is useless. Like I'm going to dive in with raw, irradiated skin?? Even if I can do it soon, it won't be for long!

Had my first physical therapy apt. today. She recognized me first. Oh yeah, the accent... That's a good memory. My last baby is almost 10 now! Yes, it was awhile, she said. Oh gosh. She never forgot the accent!

She had me doing some exercises that are similar to yoga. Basically, I can push things further. I was afraid because of the stitches but they're fine being pulled a little now. Healing nicely (thank you, tell that to the intern at Paul Strauss!) So she says the bra has to go. Oh yikes. Doing the exercises without a top. Gotta love living in France. Help! I'm bringing a tank top with me.

Unlike Dr. G who said I can wear a "real" bra, she says I should go back to the boob smooshers. I just want to feel normal again!

Stay out of the pool though. 

"I wanted to send you to Sainte Anne..."

Yeah, he said that. He had to!

I talked to Daniel and he agrees with me. Switching would be silly at this point. I'm signed up for the study and I'm all set with the geneticist. It's closer.

"But you know, it's basically a teaching hospital, almost like public... You know, interns..."

He kind of laughed at the bone scan story and was relieved when Dr. S. said no. "So she at least called?" Um, I kind of at least asked.

Exam time. I again said how happy I was with the results. I don't mind telling him again. A gushing happy customer! I am a little pointed in the wrong direction but you really have to look... and very few get to look there anyway! It might settle down more but he said, this is the end result. He's happy with the scar. To me, it still looks ugly but I don't care since it's so well place to be hidden under a swimsuit or bra. The stitches that the intern made a big deal about will fall out, he assured me. It kind of hurts when he prodded it. My being ticklish doesn't help.

He then pulls up his handy little ultrasound machine and looks around underneath. He finds a pocket of water (not unlike my many cysts) and then takes out this mother of a needle... Not another needle, pleads the pin cushion. And it won't be the last, he says, not very reassuringly.

It didn't hurt but I could definitely feel it. He had to move it around-yuk! But not horrible. Oh get this over with! He was getting a little frustrated. Can you even find it?? Oh, it'll absorb back in. Yes it will. Now get that thing outta me! No, I didn't say that. I was good.

He couldn't believe my family is facing this twice, less than three weeks apart, and there is not even a genetic link between us. He mentioned how his patients all react differently and that those of us who do have some kind of heads-up (either physical or family history), usually are a bit more open about it. In my case, I had three, light risk factors. He reminded me that there are plenty of women running around with all those cysts and dense breasts who will never get BC. They will have to be monitored more closely.

He quoted the statistics on genetics and I said to him "But that's BRCA". Yes, he knows. What I wanted to know was how many do they know there's a genetic component, but they haven't found the gene yet. That means, a heavy family history but for BRCA, the one gene they have found, is not it. They test negative. I know a family like that. He couldn't tell me. He also talked about the fact that there might be other genetic factors, not necessarily one gene but combinations. I know what he's talking about because of my hip displacement. Dr. W, the pediatric orthopedist who treated the two of mine who had this, said ages ago, said it might be several genes that combine, not just one, with my family and why the hip displacements skip generations. But I didn't mention this because once I get talking about genetics, I won't stop and at some point, you have to shut me up.

No, just wait till the 16th, he declared. But that's almost 4 1/2 weeks and John Hopkins (I asked them) said 3-4. He rolled his eyes and mumbled this business about how I was driving myself crazy. I hate waiting. A few days won't make a difference. Ugh. Okay, intern wins. Grrr.

I forgot to mention that the nurse called. I haven't really used "my" assigned nurse much. I started complaining about Strauss and then she stops me.

"So what were your results? You don't have to do chemo??"

Oops! Sorry you were left out of the loop! I told her clear margins and lymph nodes. Skip chemo and go straight to radiation. Good.

She doesn't "know" Strauss. Ugh. Her too. Yeah, I know. Stupid me not going to Sainte Anne...

Hannukah party... Hello Dr. G.!

Yes, I ran into Dr. G at the Hannukah party in Lingosheim last night. It's a small synagogue and every year, the three communities rotate the Hannukah party between Wolfisheim, Obernai and Lingo (we tend to drop the every-present "sheim"s in conversation here). My husband goes to Wolfi and the president of that community has a daughter who had BC at age 45. It was a much more dramatic story and she was also operated on by Dr. G. The mother saw me at the door and warned me. Good thing as I was all ready to meet him.

So funny seeing him not in scrubs and not in a white coat!! I introduced him to the kids in English (he always wants to speak to me in English so this was his chance!) He hadn't seen Ronnie since he was a few weeks old. We also got to meet his wife.

I did recount my little adventure with Paul Strauss to him, cutting it off by telling him I do have an apt. on Wednesday morning. "I trust your opinion more than some interns!" I emphasized. I don't mind feeding his ego. Wait till he sees what I look like! He'll be really happy with his "work" when I whip off my top tomorrow morning. I didn't even mention that. I did to a few female friends who were there that night, very discretely. French women appreciate these things (not seen as being superficial) and also, I simply don't want them to fear this darned disease or worry that it'll ruin their looks. My message is, probably not if you get yourself checked. No, I'm lying. I want them to know that not much has changed and for them not to pity me. That's more honest!

The Person In Question back in California is doing well. Also, no lymph node involvement with clear margins. She had a tiny tumor but it's gone now. Soooo happy for her. Wish all women had our story!

Radio-theropy got a little snippish with me over the phone. Dec. 16th and not before. Sigh. A month later. But that's more like 5 weeks! I'll shut up now, and just wait for Dr. Gottenberg's "more appreciated" opinion. If he wants me in there earlier, he'll arrange it.

He also said he could send me to Sainte Anne. It's not too late. Tempting... but....

Earlier today, the genetics dept. called. I talked as if testing was a done deal. I didn't even ask. I just gushed on about how happy I was since I had two daughters... HINT. 

Radiation put off!!!

Argh!

I went over to the lab and got blood sucked out of me again, for the...um... fourth time since September?? This was for the thyroid study so I can't blame them but if I had known about it earlier, I could have consolidated them a bit better and avoided being poked so many times.

Just as she was going to stab me, the phone rang. It was the famous intern to told me simply that I wasn't "enough healed" to start radiation and that my apt. for today was cancelled.

Okay fine. But then she mentioned fifteen days.

Fifteen days?!? Okay, if I had some nasty, immense infection but I'm almost done. Ugh!

Luckily, I made an apt. with Dr. G so I'll get his opinion on this matter. He was happy with it!

I'm wondering if I should say fine, let's wait to January... Then run to a travel agent and try to get a last minute deal to salvage our Christmas break!

Maybe not...

I guess I got to go with the flow...

Found out that someone I know is being operated on for almost the same, exact thing. Unlike myself, it was completely a surprise. No family history, etc. She has taken it on board completely differently than I have. She has not told many people and doesn't want to talk about it. I respect that but I wish I could tell you that it's all going to be okay!

Some women are more discrete and it might be their way of coping. They also might get more support closer to them. Mine is kind of sent over the miles!

I have been rather open about this all but perhaps it's because I've been, in a way, living with this possibility for so long. The boogie man who finally came out of the closet after almost 30 years and we jumped on him as soon as he did. I also want to urge women to get checked. I hope her outcome is as good as mine was! Maybe not so long a wait for the radiation??