Wish I could talk to myself a year ago...

I wish I could reach over and tell myself a year ago that everything would be okay.

It was confirmed that it was cancer a year ago yesterday. The next day, I was called in to get a chest X-ray and an ultrasound of my abdomen. Of course they were looking for mets... Such a scary thought. I was crying so much in the waiting room that they put me in the back, feeling sorry for me. October 23rd was a very scary day for me!

The problem is that early staged cancers, well, we don't know what's ahead. We can't know at diagnosis. I had to wait for the pathology. People say "You didn't need a mastectomy because your tumors were so small" but I correct them. They're only half right. Some really small tumors can contain some very aggressive cancers. The HER2 alone will justify chemo. I was HER2 negative but I'd find that out later.

But I just didn't know. I just felt snowed under and like it was out of control, out of my hands. Dealing with something scary in a foreign language, far from friends and family who could help. 

Colonoscopy-the thought is worse than the reality

So glad that's behind me-pun intended!

For the anesthesiologist consult, I got this super-cute Cameroonian-Italian guy who was eager to speak English. He was kind of funny. He started in on the fact that this was much less of a deal than what I went through last year. Heard it! Let's move on!!

On a private FB group for ex-Pan Am Flight Attendants, there was a conversation about colonoscopies. It was really helpful and encouraging. Got the real skinny on this procedure.

That was Monday so Thursday afternoon, per my instructions, I started drinking The Stuff. In the U.S., I understand the routine is a little different. I was able to have pasta a noon and then I was supposed to start drinking it at 3pm. Well, Davina gets out at 3:45pm in town so that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't take her to her choir practice, this one time for a good reason. I came home and was an hour late.

The clinic called and lucky me, first one. Had to be there for 6:45am. I was kind of hoping my husband could just make one trip to take us all in but this way, he'd have to double back. The kids' schools are closeby but they can't get up that early...

I read on the net a tip to add Chrystal Light to the concoction. Great idea! Tasted much better that way. Such a good idea that I made up all three batches with the lemonade Chrystal Light added in.

It certainly went to work quickly. Basically, it was like having the runs but it wasn't painful, the way it is when you've eaten something nasty. But what was coming out was... yellow.

Oh no. I had visions of having to redo it. My gastroenterologist is a sweetie but he won't be nice if he hears what I did.

I called California and talked to my twice colonoscopied mother, confessing my sins. She thought my yellow sins wouldn't be that serious. I read on the internet, no red, brown, purple, whatever but not yellow. But this was seriously yellow. Ugh.

I really ran late on drinking the stuff. I used a straw and made sure it was cold, both of which also helped get it down but the last 300ml, I just couldn't. Bad girl. Bad enough it was yellow but it was 10pm. I needed to get the little bit of sleep that I was going to get.

I did manage to sleep quite soundly, considering that I was nervous and had to get up early, usually a killer-combination for me.

Then in the morning, I had to do the Dreaded Enema. Do I curse the day that we picked a house that did not have an en suite bathroom for the parents!! That's actually not that common in France but I digress. I put the trash can by the door to slow down any early morning child needing to pee. I really didn't want them to see this. The pharmacist told me to try to wait it out 15 minutes and warned me, it wouldn't be easy. I took my iPhone so that I could play with that to distract me while the enema was doing its work on whatever was left in my colon. Again, not as bad as I dreaded.

I was hoping that it would somehow get rid of the yellow. No deal. I just had to deal.

I showed up at the clinic and was shown to the outpatient ward. It was quite busy for so early. Lots of questions. I sounded like I was a good girl, not mentioning The Yellow. I got into the hospital gown with the booties and the cap. Then they gave me a real bathrobe! Felt like I was at a spa but not looking forward to the treatment.

They called me but the other woman had an earlier apt. so I let her go first. Nice me. My stuff was locked away so all I had was a 2009 Hello magazine to read. I kept running to the toilet, hoping I'd see less yellow. I went so often that I didn't see anything, because nothing was left and I was just nervous.

They came to get me and put in, not an IV but just the plug. Didn't hurt. Not convenient that my right arm was away from her. Can't have anything done to my left arm because of the cancer. Had to use the toilet again. Yeah right. They weren't amused. Sigh.

Got back on the gurney. Got covered with the same kind of heavy blanket I had for surgery. They wheeled the first woman in. Yikes. Nurse jokes, just don't look. She's right. Your turn!

It was right next door. I only saw Dr. F and the anesthesiologist, who was also good looking, but big, blond and typically Alsatian looking. I pleaded to Dr. F that I had a confession. I told him about the Chrystal Light and the yellow. He wasn't concerned at all. Just roll over to your left, which was away from him. The animated anesthesiologist attached a big syringe with white stuff in it.

"You're going to take a little trip now. Where do you want to go?"
"Nowhere!" I pleaded. "I want to stay right here!" He laughed. I felt drunk for about two nanoseconds and... next thing I knew, I was back in the other room.

ALL DONE!!!

Yeah. Not too much gas. No pain. Wow, that was easy! Soon, there was a third woman on my other side.

My nice Dr. F went to see the first woman and talked to her. Then he came up to me. Everything was normal. Yeah. The yellow stuff was not a problem. He could see everything. Was it all clear? No problem. So... 10 years?? He made a little face. Trying to say it delicately, he explained that with both my cancer and family history, he doesn't want me to wait that long. 4-5 years would be wiser. I was expecting that and told him.

Then we went in and had breakfast. I recognized it from my other four stays at that clinic. They brought me my Tamoxifen and told me that my husband would be coming at 10am. They called him. I was happy to put my clothes back on and head home.

This is a really funny Dave Barry piece on colonoscopies. He kept putting it off until his younger brother actually had colon cancer.

http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html

Anniversary of the start of my adventure

A year ago today, I had the mammogram and ultrasound that would start this whole adventure. I don't consider it the day I heard the news. By then, it was almost a done deal. The moment was when he stopped and was looking at, what I hoped, would be a cyst. It wasn't and he didn't hide the fact he didn't like it.

I remember sitting in the waiting room and noticing how nervous all the other women looked. One paid and was happy to leave. I was thinking, oh, they're not used to doing this. I was so used to it. Thirty years of screenings is a long time...

I realized that it was Rosh Hashana and we said good-bye to 5774. It's now 5775. I got the BRCA prelim results right before. I'm kind of going to resign it all to that year, since it was found soon after Rosh Hashana last year. Then it dawned on me. 1974 is when my father died, I got chicken pox and we were robbed. I think I know what my unlucky number is now!

I'm not completely done nor will I be. I have a colonoscopy a week from today. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm looking forward to getting it over with. I'm not scared as I was with breast cancer. I see the anesthesiologist on Monday. Maybe I'll luck out and get the cute one who did my surgery! Or, maybe one of the cranky ladies I've already seen. Sigh.

I ran into a mom, and while I tried to stay off the subject, happened to mention in passing my results. All so casually, she says "Oh we have that in my family..." Turns out, she has little contact with her father (parents divorced when she was young) who are back in Paris where she's originally from. She gets this rather cold letter listing the relatives with breast cancer and she was given the actual mutation.

She said immediately that she won't be tested. I had to do some quick thinking. Didn't want to scare her. She said "It won't change anything anyway!" Um, yes it does. I put myself up as an example. "I'll definitely get my ovaries out if they find anything," I thought that sounded practical, then joking I didn't need them anymore, at my age, with three kids.

No, it's breast cancer. Actually, it's both breast and ovarian. She went white. Time to change strategy... I have this really nice geneticist. I'm going to give you his name. And email. Now. Promise he won't pressure you to test. You need someone with a degree who does this for a living to explain things to you...

Of course, I had to run to the computer and whip up a big apology to Dr. T. promising him that I wasn't running around handing out his email but this was a special situation. Please don't pressure her to test but she needs information. He wrote a nice note right away assuring me that I had "done the right thing", that he'd be happy to meet with her and that no, he would in no way, pressure her to get the test.  But he wasn't allowed to contact her. She has to be the one who gets in touch.

No problem. She did email him and has an apt. to go down there.

I'm kind of pleased that it will work out for her. I'm really hoping though that she does get tested. She has a 10 year old girl but I'm staying out of it. I'll let Dr. T handle this one!