I had this appointment for ages.
I walked in that office filled with memories of last fall. Kind of nice to not have any worry or stress. Since he can only do an external exam, nothing could be felt last time, I wasn't surprised that everything was clear this time too.
I was a little concerned about the radiation effects on my breast. Seemed kind of hard on the inside. The skin is healing nicely but inside, it's still pretty stiff. He assured me that it was normal. I told him directly, if you say it's normal, I'll just be patient. It doesn't bother me or hurt at all. Just making sure nothing is wrong!
I find it amusing that it doesn't go down when I lie on my back... like a fake boob! I didn't have a mastectomy but my real boob is now acting like a fake one. Luckily though, they look a little different but in clothes, no one can tell. The only way to do so is to squeeze my boobs and/or see them naked and that's a very limited population who gets to do either!
The scars look good. I told him how I stretch it out every night. Luckily, the only movement where I can feel it is, quite frankly, no movement I need to do in daily life. I lie on my back with my head behind my head (Ferris Bueller style).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferris_Bueller's_Day_Off
I just want the skin and all internal stuff loosened up.
I also brought a copy of my preliminary BRCA results. He hadn't received a copy but he did get a message from the genetic counselor that it was going to be done. I showed him the three mutations that show up in the majority of Ashkenazi Jews and told him frankly, if I were positive, it was most likely to be one of these three. Since I was negative, I'm fairly certain that the full panel will also come back negative.
I told him outright, all Ashkenazi women with breast cancer should be screened, at least for these three mutations, before deciding on surgery. First his reaction is "Some women don't want to know."
That has nothing to do with this discussion, I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just kind of blurted out that it happens but that's not what we're discussing. For the women who want to know, should be able to. If positive, they should be able to shift to a bilateral mastectomy.
"Now, I've been thorough radiation and this could complicate reconstruction." He looked surprised. I didn't even want to say it but I was thinking yes Dr. G, if this is positive, I would consider having a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. But I wasn't into talking about me, especially because how slow this whole process if going, any radiation damage would be long healed before the results came back and surgery scheduled... Even if positive, I wouldn't run out and do it the next day.
"But first, we have to cure the cancer. That is priority!" Yes, I told him. I agree BUT the question is that this information could change how the cancer is treated.
Unfortunately, he explained, he can't order the test directly. Everyone has to do what I already did, get approved, wait for the interview, etc. Can't do it differently unless the whole system changes. I said my peace and dropped the subject.
Then I got to the nitty-gritty.
"You're not doing any sort of monitoring for metastasis?"
"Non"
"Because... for the slim chance that it's spread, it's not worth the added radiation?"
"Yes, exactly. It serves no purpose."
"So I just report anything unusual?"
"Right."
"Okay, breast cancer usually goes to the bones, liver and lungs first, right?"
"Right."
"So logically, I report on anything unusual with those three?"
I got a less enthusiastic confirmation that time. Your chances are really low, he assured me.
Yes, I know that. I'm very happy about that.
I'm really not worried. It's just the kicked out of the nest feeling that nags at me. I want attention again. I want someone in a white coat to tell me everything's okay. I'll have to wait till May when I see Dr. N. again.
He didn't say when he wanted to see me again. Wondering if I have to. Hoping to have a break actually. I set up all my appointments for February. I just thought it better to clump them together. Was that the last time, really?
I couldn't believe when I went to the pharmacy. He wrote my prescription for Tamoxifen for two pills at 10mg each. Eek! The very reason I had to drag back there last time. This time it was a new girl. She picked up the prescription and wrote over it "20mg 1x a day" over the "10mg 2x a day". Fixed that one!
Next Wednesday, the 17th of December, the same day we were supposed to go last year, we'll be headed for California. No depressing Christmas here in Alsace! Definitely a happier holiday season!
I walked in that office filled with memories of last fall. Kind of nice to not have any worry or stress. Since he can only do an external exam, nothing could be felt last time, I wasn't surprised that everything was clear this time too.
I was a little concerned about the radiation effects on my breast. Seemed kind of hard on the inside. The skin is healing nicely but inside, it's still pretty stiff. He assured me that it was normal. I told him directly, if you say it's normal, I'll just be patient. It doesn't bother me or hurt at all. Just making sure nothing is wrong!
I find it amusing that it doesn't go down when I lie on my back... like a fake boob! I didn't have a mastectomy but my real boob is now acting like a fake one. Luckily though, they look a little different but in clothes, no one can tell. The only way to do so is to squeeze my boobs and/or see them naked and that's a very limited population who gets to do either!
The scars look good. I told him how I stretch it out every night. Luckily, the only movement where I can feel it is, quite frankly, no movement I need to do in daily life. I lie on my back with my head behind my head (Ferris Bueller style).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ferris_Bueller's_Day_Off
I just want the skin and all internal stuff loosened up.
I also brought a copy of my preliminary BRCA results. He hadn't received a copy but he did get a message from the genetic counselor that it was going to be done. I showed him the three mutations that show up in the majority of Ashkenazi Jews and told him frankly, if I were positive, it was most likely to be one of these three. Since I was negative, I'm fairly certain that the full panel will also come back negative.
I told him outright, all Ashkenazi women with breast cancer should be screened, at least for these three mutations, before deciding on surgery. First his reaction is "Some women don't want to know."
That has nothing to do with this discussion, I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just kind of blurted out that it happens but that's not what we're discussing. For the women who want to know, should be able to. If positive, they should be able to shift to a bilateral mastectomy.
"Now, I've been thorough radiation and this could complicate reconstruction." He looked surprised. I didn't even want to say it but I was thinking yes Dr. G, if this is positive, I would consider having a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. But I wasn't into talking about me, especially because how slow this whole process if going, any radiation damage would be long healed before the results came back and surgery scheduled... Even if positive, I wouldn't run out and do it the next day.
"But first, we have to cure the cancer. That is priority!" Yes, I told him. I agree BUT the question is that this information could change how the cancer is treated.
Unfortunately, he explained, he can't order the test directly. Everyone has to do what I already did, get approved, wait for the interview, etc. Can't do it differently unless the whole system changes. I said my peace and dropped the subject.
Then I got to the nitty-gritty.
"You're not doing any sort of monitoring for metastasis?"
"Non"
"Because... for the slim chance that it's spread, it's not worth the added radiation?"
"Yes, exactly. It serves no purpose."
"So I just report anything unusual?"
"Right."
"Okay, breast cancer usually goes to the bones, liver and lungs first, right?"
"Right."
"So logically, I report on anything unusual with those three?"
I got a less enthusiastic confirmation that time. Your chances are really low, he assured me.
Yes, I know that. I'm very happy about that.
I'm really not worried. It's just the kicked out of the nest feeling that nags at me. I want attention again. I want someone in a white coat to tell me everything's okay. I'll have to wait till May when I see Dr. N. again.
He didn't say when he wanted to see me again. Wondering if I have to. Hoping to have a break actually. I set up all my appointments for February. I just thought it better to clump them together. Was that the last time, really?
I couldn't believe when I went to the pharmacy. He wrote my prescription for Tamoxifen for two pills at 10mg each. Eek! The very reason I had to drag back there last time. This time it was a new girl. She picked up the prescription and wrote over it "20mg 1x a day" over the "10mg 2x a day". Fixed that one!
Next Wednesday, the 17th of December, the same day we were supposed to go last year, we'll be headed for California. No depressing Christmas here in Alsace! Definitely a happier holiday season!
No comments:
Post a Comment